People wearing sunglasses inside should also wear umbrellas inside, for the same reason: No sun,no rain.
You’ll look equally stupid! But, at least, you would get more attention with the umbrella!
A woman was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking space.
Looking up toward heaven, she said, “Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I’ll go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up drinking wine.”
Miraculously, a parking space opened up right in front of her destination. The woman looked up to heaven and said, “Never mind, Lord; I found one on my own.”
A man was seated next to a kid in an airplane.
The man turned to him and said, “Let’s talk”.
Kid: Ok, what do we talk about?
Man (making fun of the kid): How about nuclear power?
Kid: Very interesting topic. But let me ask you a question… Horse, cow & deer, all eat grass. Yet deer excretes pellets, cow flat potty and horse clumps. Why?
Man: I don’t know.
Kid: Do u really feel qualified enough to discuss nuclear issues when you don’t know shit??
MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE DIRECTORY
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the MotherShip.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won’t be crazy forever.
If you are a blonde, don’t you dare press any buttons, cos you’ll only f*** it up !!
FIVE SIMPLE TRUTHS:
1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the a**hole’s name.
3. If you help someone when they’re in trouble, they will remember you when they’re in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.
Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course.
Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.
He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request.
She said, “I’m on the 14th, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.”
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.
The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, “Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.
I understand that you are a sales lady …. well, I am in sales also. What do you sell?”
She replied, “If I told you, you would only laugh.”
“No I wouldn’t,” he said and persisted that she tell him what she sold.
“Well if you must know”, she answered, “I sell Tampax.”
With that, he fell on the floor and laughed so hard he almost lost his breath..
She said, “See I knew you would laugh.”
“That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied, “I’m a toilet paper salesman. So, even now, I’m still a hole behind you!”
A tired hunter out in the wilds stumbled onto a camp. “Am I glad to see you!” he said. “I’ve been lost for three days.”
“Don’t get too excited, friend,” the other hunter replied. “I’ve been lost for three weeks.”
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, “Why don’t you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.”
The blind man replies, “If you would’ve put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we’d be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.”
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.
Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, “Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.”
Bobby looked up and replied, “Well, Ms. Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned.”
A lawyer meets with the family of a recently deceased millionaire for the reading of the will.
“To my loving wife, Rose, who always stood by me, I leave the house and $2 million,” the attorney reads.
“To my darling daughter, Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the yacht, the business and $1 million.”
“And finally,” the lawyer concludes, “to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would never mention him in my will. Well, you were wrong. Hi Dan!”
An old-time pastor was riding furiously down the road, hurrying to get to church on time.
Suddenly, his horse stumbled and threw him to the ground. Lying in the dirt, his body wracked with pain, the pastor called out, “All you angels in heaven, help me get up on my horse!”
With extraordinary strength, he leaped onto the horse’s back—and fell off the other side.
From the ground again, he called out, “All right, just half of you angels this time!”
A drunk stumbled out the door of the bar. He stood on the corner waiting for the light. He wife calls and asks if he is drunk. The man replies, “Of course not!”
Being suspicious that he is drunk, she says, “Okay then, tell me where you are and I will come and get you.”
The drunk replies, “I am at the corner of WALK and DON’T WALK!”
Three men appear in court, on charges of drunk and disorderly conduct in a public park. The judge asks the first defendant, “What were you doing?”
“Oh, just throwing peanuts in the pond.”
The judge asks the second gentleman, “And what were you doing?”
“I was throwing peanuts in the pond, too.”
“Sounds harmless,” says the judge. He turns to the third person, “And you, were you throwing peanuts in the pond as well?”
“No, sir. I AM Peanuts!”
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the priest with an unusual offer.
“Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I’m to promise to ‘love, honor, and obey’ and ‘forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that part out.” He slipped the priest the cash and walked away.
The wedding day arrived. When it came time for the groom’s vows, the priest looked the young man in the eye and said, “Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?”
The groom gulped and looked around and then said in a tiny voice, “I do.”
After the ceremony, the groom pulled the priest aside and hissed, “I thought we had a deal.”
The priest slipped the $100 back into the man’s hand and whispered, “The bride’s father made me a much better offer.”
Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, “Take only one, God is watching.”
At the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. Moving through the line a boy wrote another note to leave by the cookies: “Take all the cookies you want, God is watching the apples.”
A rabbi, priest, and a preacher meet every Monday in a coffee shop to talk things over about their spiritual life.
One day, the priest makes a bet with the other guys that he could convert a bear in the woods over to his religion. They all agree that the next time they meet, they’ll share stories about how they were able to convert a bear. They all end up in the hospital, but the priest is in the best shape of all of them. They decide to meet in the rabbi’s room.
The priest has his arm in a sling and says, “Yeah, it was tough at first, but I was able to dash it with some holy water. The next thing I know, it started saying Hail Mary. He’s coming to mass this Sunday.”
The preacher is in pretty bad shape. He’s in a wheel chair, and he has a concussion, a broken leg, and a broken arm. He says “Well, when I finally happened upon it, I wrestled that thing to the ground and started beating its head with a Bible. So he lunges at me and we tumble down this hill into the river where I dunked him seven times. Finally, he came to the faith. He’ll be coming to church next Sunday.”
Both men turn to the rabbi to hear his story. The rabbi looks like he got the worst of it. He’s in a body cast and there’s no way he’s getting out of bed any time soon. He looks at both men and says “Well, I probably should’ve started with something other than circumcision.”
Little Johnny was asked by his mother what he had learned at Sunday school.
“Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.”
“Now, Johnny, is that really what your teacher taught you?” his mother asked.
“Well, no, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you’d never believe it and you’d probably fall asleep, like I did !!”
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says, “My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.”
The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.”
The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon… and it takes eight people to collect all the money!”
My wife asked me to buy organic vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn’t find any. So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, “These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?”
The produce guy looked at me and said, “No. You’ll have to do that yourself.”
Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her math classes:
“A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?”
After a very long silence in the classroom, little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher called on Johnny for his answer. With complete sincerity in his voice, little Johnny answered, “A good lawyer.”
A wife once gave her husband the silent treatment for an entire week. She didn’t say anything, she just put it into practice. She was hoping it would make him be more attentive to her and to their marriage.
At the end of the week she decided to bring up subject. “You notice anything different about us this past week?”
Without missing a beat, he replied. “Yeah, we’ve been getting along pretty great lately!”
A man goes into a coffee shop and says, “I would like one of your special breakfasts.”
“No problem,” comes the reply from behind the counter.
“But I want it my way,” says the man.
“What do you mean ‘your way’?” asks the waitress.
The man says, “Well, I want the eggs only half done,” he says. “I want the baked beans done so they are baking hot on the top and freezing cold on the bottom. I want the bacon stuck to the plate with grease, with more rind than actual bacon. I want fried bread so greasy that the grease pours out of it.”
“I don’t have the time to do all that!” replies the waitress.
“Well it seemed you had the time yesterday!” answers the guest.
Two rednecks meet on a dusty country road. One of them is carrying a big bag labeled, “Chickens.””
“Chickens, eh?” says one guy. “Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?”
“Heck,” says the guy with the bag, “iffin you guess right, I’ll give you both of ‘em.”
The other scratches his head and guesses, “Um… is it five?”
A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unmanned, he called a rabbi friend up and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn’t know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he’d stay with him and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional.
In a few minutes a woman comes in and says “Father forgive me for I have sinned.” The priest asks “What did you do?”. The woman says “I Committed adultery.” Priest: “How many times?” Woman: “Three times.”
Priest: “Say two Hail Mary’s, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.”
A few minutes later another woman enters the confessional. She says “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”
Priest: “What did you do?”
Woman: “I committed adultery.” Priest: “How many times?” Woman: “Three times.”Priest: “Say two Hail Mary’s, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.”
The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he’s got it so the priest leaves.
A few minutes later another woman enters and says “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”
Rabbi: “What did you do?” Woman: “I committed adultery.” Rabbi: “How many times?” Woman: “Just once.” Rabbi: “Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5.”
Brenda O’Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
“Brenda, may I come in?” he asks. “I’ve somethin’ to tell ya.”
“Of course you can come in. You’re always welcome, Tim. But where’s my husband?”
“That’s what I’m here to be tellin’ ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery.”
“Oh, God no!” cries Brenda. “Please don’t tell me…”
“I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I’m sorry.”
Finally, she looked up at Tim. “How did it happen, Tim?”
“It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.”
Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?”
“Well, no Brenda, no.”
“Fact is, he got out three times to pee.”
An elderly man was on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, a famous surgeon. Just before they put him under, he asked to speak to his son.
“Don’t be nervous, son, just do your best and remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me your mother will come and live with you and your family.”
The surgery was a success.
“Doc, you’ve gotta help me! My wife just isn’t interested in sex anymore. Haven’t you got a pill or something I can give her? I am desperate!”
The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. “Ordinarily, I wouldn’t do this. These are experimental. The tests so far indicate that they’re VERY powerful. Don’t give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE.”
“I don’t know, Doc, she’s awfully cold…”
“One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?”
“Um… okay.” The guy expresses gratitude and leaves for home, where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. The man hastily pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife’s coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then inspiration strikes, he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns with the shortcake and they enjoy their dessert and coffee.
A few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look comes over her. In a near whisper, and a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, “I…need… a man…”
His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, “Me… too…”
A little Indian boy asked his father, the big chief and witch doctor of the tribe, “Papa, why is it that we always have long names, while the white men have shorter names ~ Bill, Tex or Sam, for example?”
His father replied, “Look, son, our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture not like the white men, who live all together and repeat their names from generation to generation.
Also, it is part of our makeup that in spite of everything, we survive.
“For example, your sister’s name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake, because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake.
“Then there’s your brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people.
“It’s very simple and easy to understand.
“Do you have any other questions, Little Broken Condom Made in China?”
Mr. Burford is checking out of a hotel when suddenly he has to poop real bad.
The toilet in his room isn’t working, so he bolts down to use the lobby Men’s Room, but all of the stalls are occupied. So he runs back up to his room, and in desperation, he drops his pants, uproots a plant, and takes a crap in the pot. Then he puts the plant back in the pot and leaves.
Two weeks later, he gets a postcard from the hotel that says: “Dear Mr. Burford……..all is forgiven. Just tell us: WHERE IS IT ???”
At a wedding ceremony, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace. The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child. She started walking toward the pastor slowly.
Everything quickly turned to chaos. The bride slapped the groom. The groom’s mother fainted. The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.
The pastor asked the woman, “Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?”
The woman replied, “We can’t hear in the back.”
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students:
“The female dormitory is out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory is to the female students. Anyone caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Second violation will be a $60 fine. Third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?”
A male student inquired, “How much for a season pass?”
A coffin maker was on his way to deliver one of his coffins, in the process, his car broke down. Trying not to be late, he put the coffin on his head and began heading to his destination.
A police officer saw him and told him to stop, so he asked: “Hey, what are you carrying and where are you going”?
The man replied, “I do not like where I was buried, so I am relocating.”
One woman married and had 6 children. Her husband died. She soon married again and had 3 more children. Again, her husband died. But she remarried and this time had 4 more children.
At last, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking Him, for this loving woman who fulfilled his
commandment to “Go forth and multiply.” In his eulogy, the preacher said, “Lord, they’re finally together.”
Leaning over to a neighbor, one mourner quietly asked, “Is he referring to her first, second or third husband?”
The neighbor replied, “I think he’s referring to her legs.”
A little boy and his mother was on an airplane when he asked her the question. “Mom why do big elephants have little elephants, big giraffes have little giraffes and big planes don’t have little planes? The mother answered “Well son I’m sorry but I don’t have an answer for that, why don’t you ask the stewardess.”
As the stewardess was walking by the little boy said,”Excuse me Ms. Stewardess, why do big elephants have little elephants, big giraffes have little giraffes but big planes don’t have little planes?” The stewardess then said,”I’m sorry son I can’t answer that let me take you to the captain maybe he can answer that.”
So the little boy went to the cockpit and asked the pilot, “Excuse me Mr.Pilot, why do big elephants have little elephants, big giraffes have little giraffes but big planes don’t have little planes?”
The pilot answered, “Well son, can’t talk for the others, but you’re flying Delta and we always pull out on time.”
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.
Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
“Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?”
“There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.”
“What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily.
“Gold of course”, says the man proudly.
The wife responds wryly, “Why don’t you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change.”
Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good mostly A’s and a couple of B’s. However, her teacher had written across the bottom:
“Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit.”
Sally’s dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: “Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother.”
A woman was in bed with her young lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
“Hurry, she said, stand in the corner.” She rubbed baby oil all over him, and then totally dusted him all over with talcum powder.
“Don’t move until I tell you,” she said. “Just pretend you’re a statue.”
“What’s this?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.
“Oh it’s a statue.” she replied. “The Smiths bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too.” No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2am the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
“Here,” he said to the statue, “have this. I stood like that for two frickin’ days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.”
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his blonde secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, “You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I was to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, “Everything but my earrings.”
An old penny pincher had no friends. Just before he died he asked his doctor, lawyer, and pastor to gather around him at bedside.
“I have always heard that you can’t take it with you. But I want to disprove that theory,” he said. “I have $90,000 under my mattress, and when I die, just before they throw the dirt on me at my burial, I want you each to toss in an envelope with $30,000 within.”
The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope in the grave. On the way back from the cemetery, the pastor said, “I must confess. I needed $10,000 for my new church, so I only threw in $20,000.”
The doctor then said, “I must confess too. I needed $20,000 for a new hospital I was opening up, so I only threw in $10,000.”
The lawyer looked at them both and shook his head. He then said, “Gentlemen, I’m surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don’t see how you could dare to go against that man’s final wish. I mean, I threw in my personal check for the full amount.”
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business. Several
members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house, walked home, and left it there all night.
After a lunch break, a pharmacist walked into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall.
“What’s wrong with him?” he asked his assistant.
“He came in for cough syrup but I couldn’t find any so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives.”
”You idiot” said the pharmacist, “you can’t treat a cough with laxatives”
“Of course u can” the assistant replied. “Look at him, he’s too scared to cough now.”
A blonde assistant to a CEO was asked to plan her boss’ meetings during his East Coast trip. She didn’t know what time to book his meetings on the day of his arrival in New York because she couldn’t figure out what time he would be there.
She decided to call Delta Airlines, since he was traveling with them, and asked, “Can you tell me how long it will take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?”
The agent replied, “Just a minute…”
The blonde said “Thank you,” and hung up.
After a weekend full of drugs and alcohol, I turned up for work Monday morning and they where taking urine samples to test for drugs. It’s a routine thing they do at my job, and normally a surprise, but luckily for me I found out on Friday and came prepared with a urine sample from my girlfriend. She’s a saint doesn’t touch stuff so I knew I would pass the test no questions asked. I sneaked the urine sample in and gave it to the nurse.
My boss contacts me after receiving my test results: “Good news – you passed, totally clear of drugs. Bad news – you’re six weeks pregnant and you’re fired!”
Three men, an Irishman, a Scouser (man from Liverpool) and a Manc (man from Manchester) are given a wish each by a genie.
The Irishman wished for all land in Ireland to be forever fertile. In a flash it was done.
The Manc is amazed and says, “I want a wall around all of Manchester so no one can enter our precious land.” In a flash a great wall appeared around all of Manchester.
The Scouser scratched his head and said, “Tell me more about this wall.” The genie tells him it’s 500 feet high and 5 feet thick nothing gets in and nothing gets out.
The Scouser’s face lights up as he says, “Fill that sucker with water!”
There were 103 passengers and only 40 meals got loaded on a INDIA to US flight. The Airline had messed up, and the crew was in a fix. However, one smart flight attendant has an idea.
About 30 minutes into the flight she nervously announces, “I don’t know how this happened but we have 103 passengers and only 40 dinners.”
When the passengers muttering had died down she continued, “Anyone who is kind enough to give up his/ her meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free unlimited liquor during the entire duration of the flight.”
Her next announcement came an hour and a half later, “If anyone wants to change his/her mind we still have 40 dinners available!”
An Italian woman married an Italian man. The Italian tradition for newlyweds is to remain virgins until they’re married and then sleep at the girl’s mother’s house on their wedding night.
After the wedding, the newlyweds went back to her mother’s house. The man went up stairs and the woman stayed to talk to her mom. She said, ‘I don’t
want to go up there.’
Her mom said, ‘He’s a good man. Go upstairs and he’ll treat you well.’
When she got upstairs, the man took off his shirt.
She ran back downstairs and said, ‘Mamma! Mamma! He has a hairy chest!’
Her mom said, ‘All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs and he will treat you well.’
When she got upstairs, he took off his pants. She ran back downstairs and said, ‘Mamma! Mamma! He has hairy legs!’
Her mom said, ‘All good men have hairy legs. Go upstairs and he will treat you well.’
When she got upstairs he took off his socks. She noticed that half his foot was missing. She ran downstairs and said, ‘Mamma! Mamma! He has a foot and a half!’
Her mom said, ‘Stay here! This is job for Mamma!’
Two Italian construction workers were in the field on an extremely hot day working.
One says to the other “Hey, how come we do all a da work and he gets all a da money? ” pointing to the supervisor.
The other says, “I don’t know, go ask him. ”
So Guido goes up to the supervisor and says “Hey, how come we do all a da work and you get all a da money? ”
The supervisor says “Intelligence “.
Guido says “What is this intelligence?”
The supervisor puts his hand on a tree and says “Hit a my hand as hard as you can! ”
Guido winds up and with all his might tries to hit the supervisors hand. Just as he almost does the supervisor pulls his hand away and Guido hits the tree! The supervisor says “That’s intelligence “.
Still smarting Guido goes back to his co-worker and his co-worker says “Hey, what did he say? ”
With a sheepish look on his face, Guido puts his hand on his face and says “Hit my hand as hard as you can…………..”
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, ‘Okay, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?’
The mother says, ‘It’s my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight, and is sick most mornings.’
The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, ‘Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant– about 4 months, would be my guess.’
The mother says, ‘Pregnant?! She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?’
Darla says, ‘No mother! I’ve never even kissed a man!’
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, ‘Is there something wrong out there doctor?’
The doctor replies, ‘No, not really, it’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I’ll be damned if I’m going to miss it this time!’
A blonde went into a worldwide message center to send a message to her mother overseas.
When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: ‘I don’t have any money. But I’d do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother’.
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).
‘Anything?’ he asked.
‘Yes, yes, anything’ the blonde promised.
‘Well then, just follow me’, said the man as he walked towards the next room.
The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.
‘Come in and close the door’ the man said.
He then said ‘Now get on your knees.’
‘Now take down my zipper’.
‘Now go ahead … take it out….’ he said.
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered ‘Well………… go ahead’.
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, tentatively said………..
‘Hello. Mom, can you hear me?’
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex, but only in the missionary position.
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti and meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you and insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together and hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.
First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you’ll marry her and never get head again.
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner, but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.
Third date: You don’t even get to the third date and you already realized nothing is going to happen.
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She’s pregnant by someone other than you.
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She’s pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father’s girlfriend’s mother, her two cousins, her sister’s boyfriend and his three kids move in … and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Rio Grande.
A woman went to her doctor for advice.
She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.
‘Do you enjoy it?’ The doctor asked.
‘Actually, yes, I do.’
‘Does it hurt you?’ he asked.
‘No. I rather like it.’
‘Well, then,’ the doctor continued, ‘there’s no reason that you shouldn’t practice anal sex, if that’s what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.’
The woman was mystified.
‘What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?’
‘Of course,’ the doctor replied, ‘Where do you think politicians come from?’
God says to Adam, ‘What would you like in a wife?’
‘Hmmm,’ says Adam, ‘I’d like her to be the most beautiful creature in the world. I’d like her to do whatever I tell her to. I’d like he to work hard, be smart, enjoy being with me.’
‘Hmmmm’, God says, ‘I can do it, but it’ll cost you an arm and a leg.’
‘Oh,’ says Adam, ‘Well, what can I get for a rib?’
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Jessica is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo’s all over the factory floor and they’re really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Jessica surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo’s.
She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo’s legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Jessica .
‘I’m sorry,’ he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, ‘but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday…….: Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.’
After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, “I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.” The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King Of Beers,’ a Budweiser.” The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, “I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.” The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, “Why aren’t you drinking a Guinness?”
The Guinness resident replies “Well, if you guys aren’t drinking real beer, neither will I !! “
A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the first semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents had given him for school.
Then he gets an idea.
He calls his Redneck father.
“Dad,” he says, “you won’t believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!”
“That’s absolutely amazing!” his father says. “How do I get him in that program?”
“Just send him down here with $1000,” the boy says, “I’ll get him into the course.”
So, his father sends the dog and the $1000.
About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out.
The boy calls his father again.
“So how’s Fido doing, son?” his father asks.
“Awesome, dad, he’s talking up a storm,” he says, “but you just won’t believe this, they’ve had such good results with this program, that they’ve implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!”
“READ!?” says his father, “No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?”
“Just send $2,500, I’ll get him in the class.
His father sends the money.
The boy has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he gets rid of the dog.
When he gets home, his father is all excited… “Where’s Fido? I just can’t wait to see him talk and read something!”
“Dad,” the boy says, “I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked:
“Is your daddy still cheating on your mama and messing’ around with that cute little redhead next door?”
The father says, “I hope you SHOT that damn dog”.
“I sure did, Dad!” “I sure did!”
“That’s my boy.”
A man walks into a Pharmacy and says to the beautiful female teller, ‘Umm… err, I’ve never purchased condoms before, and I don’t know what size to buy.’
‘That’s okay. You can test your size on the fence out in back.’
So the man walks out back and he sees three holes. Just as he prepares to stick his penis in the first hole, the beautiful teller sneaks over to the other side of the fence. The man sticks his penis through the first hole where it is gently caressed by the teller. Then he pulls it it out and sticks it through the second hole where the teller begins to suck his penis and give him a blow job. Then, finally, he pulls it out and sticks it in the third hole. The teller takes her vagina, wraps it around his penis, and begins to hump it. She quickly pulls up her pants and scurries back inside where the man is begining to stumble back in.
She starts to giggle and says, ‘Have you decided on the appropriate size?’
‘Screw the condoms! Just give me 3 yards of that fence!’
Ethel was traveling alone and she was a bit lonely in the hotel all on her own. She thought, “I’ll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sex and have some fun.”
She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony – a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well-oiled bum. She figured, “what the heck, nobody will ever know. I’ll give him a call.”
After a short ring, there was a response, “Good evening, ma’am, how may I help you?” Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!
Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, “Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I’d like you to come to my hotel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I’m in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you’ve got in your bag of tricks. We’ll go hot and heavy all night – tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything!!! Now how does that sound?”
The male voice responded, “That sounds absolutely fantastic madam, but you need to press “9” for an outside line.”
As a plane passed through a severe storm, the turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.
One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, “I’m too young to die,” she cried.
Then she yelled, “If I’m going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?”
For a moment, there was silence.
Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man from Indiana stood up in the rear of the plane. He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.
Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time.
No one moved.
He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.
Then, he handed her the shirt, and said: “Iron this — and then get me a beer!”
An office manager was sent three secretaries, equally qualified, to fill one vacancy. “Well,” thought the manager, “I’ll give them an honesty test to determine which secretary to keep.”
To this end, he gave each secretary a money bag to take and bank telling them that there was $50 in the bag. (In fact, he had placed $100 in each bag; thus the honesty test.)
The first secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks $50 and returns the extra $50 to the manager.
The second secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks the full $100, and returns with a deposit slip as proof.
The third secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks $50, goes to the local TAB and uses the $50 to win $300, then returns, explains to the manager and gives him the all the money.
Question: Which secretary does the manager select to retain?
Answer: Well, DUH!… The one with the biggest ta-tas!!
A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on its final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, “This is your Captain. We’re on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto.”
He forgets to switch off the intercom, and the whole plane can hear his conversation with his co-pilot.
The copilot says to the pilot, “Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?”
“Well,” says the skipper, “first I’m gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap . . . then I’m gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner . . . . then I’m gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put it to her big time all night long!”
Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the isles, trying to get a look at the new stewardess.
Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She’s so embarrassed that she tries to run to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady’s bag and falls on her face. The old lady leans over and says: “No need to hurry, dear. He’s gonna take a shit first.”
A husband and wife are celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night the wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same sexy little negligee she wore on their wedding night. She looks at her husband and says, “Honey, Do you remember this?”
He looks up at her and says, “Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married.”
She says, “Yes, that’s right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?”
He nods and says, “Yes dear, I still remember.”
“Well, what was it?” she asks. He responds, “Well honey, as I remember, I said, “Ohhhhhhhhh Baby, I’m going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains out.”
She giggles and says, “Yes honey, that’s it. That’s exactly what you said. So, now it’s 50 years later, and I’m in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?”
Again he looks at her and looks her up and down and replies, “Mission Accomplished.”
At one Mensa convention, several members at a local cafe noticed the shaker with an ‘S’ on top, for salt, contained pepper and their pepper shaker, with a ‘P’ on top, was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling anything and using only the implements at hand?
Clearly, here was the marvelous Mensa mystery!
They presented ideas, debated them, and finally came up with what they felt was a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer.
They called the blonde waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.
“Ma’am,” they said, “we couldn’t help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker contains pepper……..”
“Oh, sorry!” interrupted the blonde waitress. “Here,” and she unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.
A guy and a girl are lying in a dorm-room bed after just doing the ‘dirty’. The girl lays on her side of the bed and rests.
The guy goes to his side of the bed and says to himself, “Man oh Man I finally did it! I’m no longer a virgin.”
The girl overhears him talking to himself and asks, “Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?”
“Well,” the guy explains, “I always wanted to wait until I was with the woman I love to lose my virginity.”
Astounded, the girl replies, “So you really love me?”
“Oh God no!”, the guy says. “I just got sick of waiting.”
A man called home to his wife and said, “Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We’ll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I’v been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we’re Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up! Oh, please pack my new blue silk pajamas.”
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.
The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?
He said, “Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn’t you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to?”
The wife replied, “I did. They’re in your fishing box……….”
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle; I’m still a virgin.
What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?
“Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was … God, I miss him!
“But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”
“Good,” said the husband, “but, why?”
“Duh; you’re a LAWYER. This time I KNOW I’m gonna get screwed!”
A man takes his wife to the live stock show. They start heading down the alley that houses all the bulls. The sign on the first bull’s stall states: “This bull mated 50 times last year.” The wife turns to her husband and says, “He mated 50 times in a year, isn’t that nice!”
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: “This bull mated 65 times last year.” The wife turns to her husband and says, “This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!” They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said:
“This bullmated 365 times last year.” the wife’s mouth drops open and says, “WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one.”
The fed up man turns to his wife and says, “Go up and inquire if it was the same old cow every day !!”
One day a teacher was talking about marriage in class…
Teacher : What kind of wife would you like Johnny?
Johnny : I would want a wife like the moon…
Teacher : Wow !! what a choice…do you want her to be cool & calm like the moon?
Johnny : No, no…
Teacher: oh so u want her to be round and white?
Johnny: No, no…
Teacher: Oh, so you want her to be fair and beautiful like the moon?
Johnny: No, no…I want her to arrive at night and disappear in the morning…!!!
A young man, with a promising career ahead of him, decided to marry a respectable convent girl, untarnished with the sins of contemporary society.
After the wedding service, the bridal couple had to drive through the more unsavory areas of the city on the way to the reception.
“William, what are those women doing leaning against lampposts?”
“Oh, those are just tarts who hire their bodies out for sex at fifty dollars a time.”
“Wow, fifty dollars!” exclaimed the bride, “the monks only used to give us an apple…….”
Mr. Jones is traveling with his wife and mother-in-law in a far east country. At a place of honor his mother-in-law makes a careless remark, which the native people take as an insult to the royal family.
Mr. Jones is dragged off to court with his wife and mother-in-law and are sentenced to corporal punishment. Each of them are to receive 50 lashes on the rear end with a cane. But because the royal family doesn’t want to appear hostile to foreigners, they grant the guests in their country a wish beforehand, as long as it is able to be fulfilled.
Mrs. Jones is first.
“What do you wish for yourself?”
“I would like a pillow bound on my rear end before the lashings.”
“Okay, that shall be granted to you.”
Mrs. Jones has the pillow bound to her rear end and receives her punishment. But because the pillow is too small and the executioner also hits her back a couple of times, she receives a few blows.
Next it is Mr. Jones’ mother-in-law’s turn.
“What do you wish for yourself?”
“I would like a pillow bound on my rear end and a pillow bound on my back before the lashings.”
“Okay, that shall be granted to you.”
The mother-in-law receives her fifty lashes, but hardly feels the pain through the pillows.
Then comes Mr. Jones himself.
“What do you wish for yourself?”
“I have two wishes. Do you want to fulfill them for me?”
“Because you are a guest in our country, we want to fulfill your wishes for you, as long as they are reasonable.”
“I would like 100 lashes instead of 50.”
The executioner is surprised, but recovers again right away and replies, “Yes, that is a pious wish, it shall be granted to you. And what is your second wish?”
“I would like to have my mother-in-law bound to my back.”
Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.
Her friend saw this and said, “Hey that’s a good idea! What is it that you put over your cigarette?”. The other old lady said,” Its a condom”.
“A condom? Where do you get those?” The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy.
When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms.
The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, “What size do you want?”.
The old lady thought for a minute and said, “One that will fit a Camel, I suppose!”
While in China , an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I’ve got bad news for you, you’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here in the US , we know very little about it.”
The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.”
The doctor answers, “I’m sorry, there’s no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis.”
The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!”
The doctor replies, “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only option.”
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.”
The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis..!”
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid American docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate..!”
“Oh, thank God..!” the man exclaims.
“Yes,” says the Chinese doctor. “Wait two week. Fall off by itself..!”
Last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. As our passion began to heat up she said, “I don’t feel like it. I just want you to hold me.”
I said, “WHAT?! What was that?!”
She said, “You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.” She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?” Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The next day I took off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big department store.
I walked around with her as she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take, so I told her we’d just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to go with her new clothes, so I said, “Lets get a pair for each outfit.”
We went on to the j3welry counter where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. She was so excited. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet. I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.” She was nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, “I think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier.”
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No baby, I don’t feel like it.”
Her face went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, “WHAT?” I said, “Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.”
Just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you??”
……..Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either……
A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, “Sir, I’m afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I’m afraid I’ll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!”
The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food.
The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer.
A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man’s table and says, “Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I’ll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I’ll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs; I’ll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings; I’ll break one of your arms!”
The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird’s rectum, pulls it out and licks it.
He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, “Your turn!!”
An illegal immigrant picks up a professional. ‘Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?’ he asks.
‘$100,’ she replies.
In broken English he says ‘Do you do Immigrant Style?’
‘No’ she says.
‘I pay you $200 to do Immigrant Style.’
‘No’, she says, not knowing what Immigrant Style is.
‘I pay you $300.’
‘No’, she says.
‘I pay you $400.’
‘No’, she says.
So finally he says, ‘OK, I pay $1,000 to do Immigrant Style.’
She thinks, ‘Well, I’ve been in the game for over 10 years now. I’ve had every kind of request from weirdoes from every part of the world. How bad could Immigrant Style be?’.
So she agrees and has sex with him.
They do it in every kind of way and in every possible position. Finally, after several hours, they finish.
Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, ‘Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So what exactly is ‘Immigrant Style’?’
The illegal immigrant replies ‘You send bill to Government.’
Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”
The young guy says, “That’s OK. Co-incidentally, I’m looking for my wife, too…I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.”
The old guy says, “Well, maybe I can help you find her…what does she look like?”
The young guy says, “Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, with really big tits, wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?”
To which the old guy says, “Doesn’t matter, — let’s look for yours.”
A young woman knelt in the confessional and said, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.”
“What is it, child?” asked the priest.
The woman said, “Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am.”
The priest turned, took a good look at the woman, and said, “My dear, I have good news. That isn’t a sin – it’s only a mistake.”
A Chinese Man walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph. Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says,
“You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbour , get outta here.”
The astonished Chinese man replied, “It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour , it was the Japanese”.
“Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you’re all the same,” replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, “You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship.”
Shocked, Spielberg replies, “It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me.”
The Chinese replies: “Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you’re all the same!!”
There was a German, an Italian and a Redneck on death row. The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:
1. to be shot
2. to be hung
3. to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.
So the German said, “Shoot me right in the head.” (Boom, he was dead instantly).
Then the Italian said, “Just hang me.” (Snap, he was dead.)
Then the Redneck said, “Give me some of that AIDS stuff.” They gave him the shot, and the redneck fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy. Then the Redneck said, “Give me another one of those shots,” so the guards did.
Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over. Finally the warden said, “What is wrong with you?”
The Redneck replied, “You guys are so stupid…..I’m wearing a condom!”
One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer.
After he picks out the perfect bike, the dealer tells him about an old biker trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust.
The dealer tells him that all he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains, and everything will be fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves.
A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love.
She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set.
At the appointed time, he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner
must do the dishes.
After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the
first person to break the silence and get stuck doing the dishes.
After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses his woman in front of her family.
No one says a word.
Emboldened, he slips his hand under her blouse and fondles her
breasts. Still no one says a word.
Finally, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front
of everyone. No one says a word.
Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws
HER on the table. They have even wilder sex.
Still no one speaks. By now he is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance.
His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he gets
his jacket, reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline.
And the father says “Okay dammit, I’ll do the dishes!”
For years four mates each took a week off work to go fishing together.
This year, Ron’s wife put her foot down and told him he wasn’t going.
Bitterly disappointed, he phoned the others and told them he wasn’t allowed to go.
Two days later, the other three arrived at their usual campsite only to see Ron sitting there with his tent already set up.
‘Ron,’ they said, ‘How did you talk your missus into letting you come?’
‘Well, yesterday evening after my wife had finished reading ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ she dragged me upstairs and into the bedroom.
On the bed she’d put handcuffs and ropes. She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
Then she said ‘Now do whatever you want!’
So here I am……..”
A police officer pulls a man over for speeding.
As the officer approaches the car, he can see that the man is very anxious about something.
“Good afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?”
“Yes, officer… I know I was speeding — but it is a matter of life or death.”
“Oh, really? How’s that?”
“There’s a naked woman waiting for me at home.”
“I don’t see how that is a matter of life or death.”
“If I don’t get home before my wife does, I’m a dead man.”
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.
He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.
The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
The war weary soldier asked, “Please, ma’am, may I sit in that seat?”
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, “You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can’t you see my little Fifi is using that seat?”
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, “Please, lady. May I sit there? I’m very tired.”
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, “You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!”
The soldier didn’t say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, “You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you’ve thrown the wrong b*tch out the window!”
My wife arrived back from her driving test today.
“So,” I asked excitedly, “how did you get on?”
“Not good,” she replied. “He failed me!”
“Oh dear!” I said sympathetically. “It can’t be that bad, what did he pull you up on?”
“A frickin’ rope,” she replied.
“The car’s still at the bottom of the river.”
My son came up to me today and said, “I know you’ll find this hard to take, but I’m gay. Does it bother you?”
I said, “Not as much as it will bother your mother.”
He said, “Do you think she’ll be upset?”
I said,”Upset? She’ll be f***king devastated! She owes me 500 bucks now.”
Paddy sets Mick up on a date and says, “She’s a lovely girl but there’s something you should know. She’s expecting a baby.”
Mick shrugs his shoulders and say’s “OK. I’ll give it a go.”
The next day Paddy sees Mick and asks: “How did it go last night, then?”
Mick replies “Not too good. She was half an hour late and I felt a right fool, sat at the bar wearing a nappy and a frickin’ bib!”
In Las Vegas, a blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke.
The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins.
She returns and starts feeding the machine madly, and of course the machine keeps popping out the soda cans.
After a while, a man walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes, before stopping her and asking if someone else could have a go.
The blonde spins around and shouts in his face: “Back off! Can’t you see I’m winning??”
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
As the saying goes: “There are teachers, and then there are educators………”
Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says,
“Why are you arguing?” One boy answers, “We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.”
“You should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the teacher, “When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was.”
The boys decided to give the ten dollars to the teacher.
One day, a man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat. The man orders a beer, and so does the ostrich. The cat orders half a pint, and refuses to tip the bartender. The bartender tells them their bill is $10.78. The man reaches into his pocket and gets exactly $10.78.
The next day, the man, the ostrich and the cat go back to the bar. They order the same thing as the day before, and again the cat is really rude to the bartender and won’t tip him. The bartender tells them that their bill is $10.78. The man reaches into his pocket and gets exactly $10.78.
The next day, the man, the ostrich and the cat go back into the bar. This time the man and the ostrich order a double scotch. The cat orders a scotch and is rude to the bartender. The bartender smiles to himself, knowing that there is no chance the man will get the exact amount of money, and he’s getting pissed at the cheapskate cat.
He tells the man that their bill is $15.63. The man reaches into his pocket and gets the exact change! The bartender is astonished. He asks the man how he always gets the right amount of change.
The man tells him, “Well, one day I came across a lamp. I rubbed it and a genie came out. He told me I could have any three wishes I wanted. My first wish was that I could reach into my pocket and get the exact change of anything I was buying.”
“Very smart,” said the bartender.
“My second wish was to have a high tolerance for alcohol.”
“Good choice!” the bartender exclaimed. “What was your third wish?”
The man replied: “Well, that wasn’t too bright on my part. I wished for a chick with long legs, and a tight p***y.”
Stan is seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barge in holding their newborn baby.
“Stop! You can’t do this!” exclaims the brother.
“And why not?” asks Stan.
“Don’t you want to have a beautiful baby someday? Like my wife and I have here?” Stan says nothing.
The brother grows impatient, “C’mon Stan, I want a nephew. Stan, make me an uncle.” Stan can’t take it anymore.
He gives his sister-in-law an apologetic look and asks his brother, “You’re sure you want a nephew?”
“Yes,” the brother replies. “It would be an honor.”
“Well, congratulations, you’re holding him.”
A woman on her death bed, called her husband and asked him to open a box from under the bed.
Inside he found 3 eggs and £7000 in cash.
“What are the eggs for?” asks the husband.
She replied, “Every time we had crap sex, I would put an egg in the box.”
Not bad” says the husband,
“3 eggs in 35year”.
And the cash?”
She replies “Every time I got a dozen, I frickin’ sold them!”
A woman went to the doctor, because she was concerned about the 2 green patches that kept appearing on the inside of her thighs.
The doctor asked her: “Are you married ?”
She said no.
Then he asked: “Have you got a boyfriend ?”
She said yes.
He replied: “Well, tell your boyfriend his earrings aren’t real gold !”
A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this……….
“Looking for man with these qualifications: won’t beat me up; won’t run away from me; and, is great in bed.”
She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad, but none of them met the required qualifications.
Until one day, the doorbell rang. When she went to open it, she found a man with no arms, and no legs, sitting in a wheelchair.
He said to her: “Hi, I’m Bob. I have no arms, so I won’t beat you up. And, no legs, so I won’t run away.”
The lady says, “And, what makes you think you are great in bed?”
Bob replies: “How do you think I rang the doorbell I ??”
A woman was playing golf when she took a big swing and fell.
The party waiting behind her was a Republican campaign group that included candidates for President and Vice President: Donald Trump and Mike Pence, respectively.
Both candidates quickly stepped forward and helped her to her feet.
She thanked them and started to leave, when Trump said: “I’m Donald Trump, Republican candidate for President, and this is my running mate for Vice President, Mike Pence. I hope you’ll vote for us this November.”
She laughed and quickly said, “I fell on my ass, not my head !!”