One day little Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen.
She says, “Put that away, Johnny. You can’t have ice cream now. It’s too close to supper time. Go outside and play.”
Little Johnny whimpers and says, “There’s no one to play with.”
Trying to placate him, she says, “OK. I’ll play with you. What do you want to play?”
He says, “I wanna play ‘Mommy and Daddy’.”
Trying not to register surprise and a bit confused about what her son was learning in school, she decided to appease him, by saying, “Fine, I’ll play. What do I do?”
Johnny says, “You go up to the bedroom and lie down.”
Figuring that she can easily control the situation, Mom goes upstairs. Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.
Really confused, and now even a bit worried, his mother raises her head and says, “What do I do now?”
In a gruff manner, Johnny says, “Get your butt downstairs and give that kid some ice cream!”
“Let us assume,” said the professor, “that you are aboard a small craft alone in the Pacific, and you spot a vessel approaching you with several thousand sex-starved sailors on board.
What would you do in this situation to avoid any problem?”
“I would attempt to turn my craft in the opposite direction,” stated the brunette.
“I would pass them, trusting my knife and a bottle of mace to keep me safe,” responded the redhead.
“Frankly” murmured the blonde, “I understand the situation, but I fail to see the problem.”
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.
A teenager walked up to the bench and sat down.
He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared.
Every time the teenager looked, the old man was staring.
The teenager finally said sarcastically, “What’s the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?”
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, “Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was wondering if you were my son”
A woman was doing the laundry in the apartment buildings basement.
She had just finished washing and drying one load and was getting ready to start another load when she decided to wash the nightgown she was wearing.
She took it off and placed it in the washer. Now she is naked and preparing to take the freshly cleaned clothes upstairs when she noticed her son’s football helmet lying on the shelf.
She grabbed the helmet, placed it on her head, picked up the clean clothes, and turned around.
There stood the Maintenance man who quickly said, “I don’t know which team you are playing for ma’am but I sure hope you win”.
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?”
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
“Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?”
The little boy nodded yes.
“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a d***-head. Do you understand all that?
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, “And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your coach ‘a dumb a**hole’ is it?”
Again the little boy nodded.
“Good,” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain all that to your grandfather”.
One day Mom was cleaning Junior’s room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine.
This was highly upsetting for her.
She hid the magazine until his Father got home and showed it to him.
He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.
So she asked him, ‘What should we do about this?’
Dad looked at her and said, ‘Well I don’t think you should spank him.’
Two rednecks, Billy Joe and Bubba, were out driving when they noticed the gas tank was getting low, so they stopped at a local station to fill up.
After topping off the tank, they went inside to pay, where noticed a big sign on the desk: ASK ABOUT OUR FREE SEX CONTEST!
“Hey, what’s that all about?” Billy Joe asked the attendant.
“Oh, that’s something new we just started,” the attendant replied. “The way it works is that I think of a number, and if you guess it, you get free sex.”
Billy Joe and Bubba thought that was a pretty good idea, so they each took a guess.
“I’ll say eight,” said Billy Joe.
“Sorry,” said the attendant. “It’s four.”
“I’ll try five,” said Bubba.
“Nope. It’s two,” the attendant replied. “But hey, come back and try again.”
Billy Joe and Bubba walked away, disappointed, but they were determined to give it another try. And so the next time they were low on gas, they stopped in again. And again. After about a month, they decided to give it one last try.
“Six,” Billy Joe said to the attendant. “It’s gotta be six.”
“I’m really sorry,” said the attendant. “It was nine this time.”
“Okay, I guess three,” said Bubba.
“Oh, you were close,” said the attendant. “It was two.”
And so, the two disappointed rednecks walked back to their truck.
“You know,” said Billy Joe, “I’m beginning to think that contest is rigged!”
“No,” sighed Bubba. “It’s for real. My wife’s won seven times already.”
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: “I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?”
“Good question,” noted the Rabbi. “We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.”
“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: “What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?”
“Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. “We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits.”
“I see,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. “Well, Rabbi,” he went on, “what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?”
“Here, too, we do not waste,” answered the Rabbi. “What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete d**k “.
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, “If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?” A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, “I think I’d throw up.”
DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, “Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?” “No,” replied Johnny. “How could he, with just two worms.”
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible – Psalms 23.
She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task – but he just couldn’t remember the Psalms. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalms 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, “The Lord is my Shepherd, and that’s all I need to know.”
The preacher’s 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why. “Well, Honey,” he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. “I’m asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.” “How come He doesn’t answer it?” she asked.
A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, “So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That’s very commendable. What does she say?” The little boy replied, “Thank God he’s in bed!”
ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, “And all girls.” This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, “Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?” Her response, “Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying ‘All Men’!”
SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother’s house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. “Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.” said his mother. “I don’t need to,” the boy replied. “Of course, you do “his mother insisted. “We always say a prayer before eating at our house.” “That’s at our house.” Johnny explained. “But this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook”.