(I don’t speak the language; but, I guess this pic speaks volumes (hahaha))
Jill had been divorced for a few years and, very lonely, finally consented to going out on a date with John, the gentleman her son fixed her up with.
John picked her up and they went on a picnic in a very secluded spot.
John also had been divorced for a long time and found himself very attracted to Jill, and despite her resistance at first to his advances, he finally was able to make love to her.
Jill was mortified at her lack of self-control and sobbed, “I don’t know how I can face my son, knowing that in a time of weakness I sinned twice!”
John said, “What do you mean ‘twice’? We only did it once!”
Jill looked at John and said, “Well, we’re going to do it again, aren’t we?
Mr. Smith asked his wife for advice about his upcoming court case in which he could possibly win $50,000 from the insurance company.
“Honey, if I lie, I’ll win the case. But then I would have broken an oath sworn on the Holy Bible.”
His wife says, “I don’t want to advise you to do the wrong thing”
“Let me put it this way,” his wife explained. “Treat the prosecuting attorney like I treat you in bed.”
Puzzled, Mr. Smith asks, “How so?”
Mrs. Smith replies, “Just lie there ’til he goes away.”
Wanting to find out if both his wife and his mistress were being faithful to him, Gary decided to send them on the same cruise and question each one later about the other’s behavior.
When his wife returned, he asked her about people on the trip, casually inquiring about the passenger who was his mistress when she mentioned the woman.
“Oh, that woman slept with nearly every man on the ship!” his wife reported.
Unhappy with this information, Gary planned a rendezvous with his cheating mistress and decided to question her about the trip before confronting her with what he knew.
Once again, he carefully inquired about the woman who was his wife after ascertaining that they had met.
“She was a real lady,” his mistress said.
Gary’s spirits picked up. “Why do you say that?” he asked.
“She came on board with her husband and never left his side.”
A repentant husband apologized to wife, “Honey, I got mad at you a lot, but you are a goddess of calm; never returned my verbal blows. How do you control your rage towards me?”
Wife replied, “I start cleaning the toilet when you get mad. It helps me calm down.”
Overwhelmed husband asked, “Perhaps flowing cold water, is that it?”
Wife replied, “No, cleaning the toilet with your toothbrush.”
There were three black ladies getting ready to take a plane trip for the first time.
The first lady said, ‘I don’t know bout y’al but I’m gunna wear me sum hot pink panties beefo I gets ondat plane.’
‘Why you gonna wear dem fo?’, the other two asked.
The first replied, ‘Cause, if dat plane goes down and I’m out dare laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonnafind me first.’
The second lady said, ‘Well, I’m a-gonna wear me some floe esant orange panties.’
‘Why you gonna wear dem?’ the others asked.
The second lady answered, ‘Cause if dis hare plane is goin’ down and I be floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first.’
The third old lady says, ‘Well, I’m not gonna wear any panties’.
‘What? No panties?’ the others asked in disbelief.
The third lady says, ‘Dat’s right girlfriends, you hears me right.’
‘I ain’t wearin’ any panties, cause if dis plane goes down, honey, the fust thang dey always look fo is a black box!’
A woman and her boyfriend are in a bar having a few drinks. While they’re sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it the more excited she gets and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.
After a while he gives in and let’s her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar: a salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.
The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains, “First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth and finally you drink the lime juice.”
So the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue – salty but okay. He drinks the shot of Baileys – smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks – this is okay. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it…
At one second the sharp lime taste hits, at two seconds the Baileys curdles, at three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits. This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink.
When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend. She smiles widely at him and says, “So, how did you like it? It’s called ‘B*** J**’s Revenge’.”
A policeman is walking his beat when he finds a totally drunk man collapsed against a building, weeping uncontrollably and holding his car keys in his hands. He’s moaning something about ‘They took my car!’.
Seeing he is quite well dressed, the cop thinks he may have a real case of theft on his hands and proceeds to question the man.
“What are your car keys doing out?”
“My car, it was right on the end of my key, and those ba**ards stole it! Please officer, get my Porsche back. My God, it was right on the end of my key! Where is it? They stole it and it was right here; right on my key!
“OK, OK, stand up, let’s get some more information. (he stands the man up, and notices his penis is hanging out). Aw s**t mister, your d**k is hanging out, would you put that thing away!”
The man looks down, sees his prick hanging there and screams, “Oh my God, they stole my girlfriend!”
The other day I was in the local auto parts store. A lady comes in and asks for a seven ten cap. We all looked at each other and said, “What’s a seven ten cap?”
She said “You know, it’s right on the engine. Mine got lost somehow and I need a new one.”
“What kind of a car is it on?” they asked.
Now I’m thinking maybe an old Datsun Seven Ten, but no, she said, “It’s a Buick.”
“OK lady, how big is it?”
She makes a circle with her hands about 3 1/2 inches in diameter.
“What does it do?” we asked.
She said, “I don’t know but it’s always been there.”
One of us gave her a note pad and asked her if she could draw a picture of it. So she makes a circle about 3 1/2 inches in diameter and in the center she writes 710. The guys behind the counter are looking at it upside down as she writes it and they just fall down behind the counter laughing.
A guy thought his wife was cheating on him.
So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her.
By following her he found out she was working in the local ‘Fun House’.
The guy says to the cabbie, “Wanna make a $ 100?”
The cabbie says, “Sure, what do I have to do?”.
The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home.
So the cabbie goes in.
A couple of minutes later the door gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging this woman out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab.
The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, “Here hold her!!”
The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, “THIS AIN’T MY WIFE”.
The cabbie replied, “I KNOW, IT’S MINE; I’M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!”
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said,”I hope I haven’t made you feel ill at ease, it’s just that you look so much like my late son.”
He answered, “That’s okay.”
“I know it’s silly, but if you’d call out “Good bye, Mom” as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy.”
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, “Goodbye, Mom.”
The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone’s day, he went to pay for his groceries.
“That comes to $121.85,” said the clerk.
“How come so much? I only bought 5 items!”
The clerk replied, “Yeah, but your Mother said you’d be paying for her things, too.”
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him..
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, “Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs, in New Orleans , please raise your hand?”
Not one hand went up…. So she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren’t as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren’t as dumb as most folk think.
Little Johnny’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
Yes, said the policeman. The detectives want very badly to capture him..
Little Johnny asked, Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture ? Lol
I was at my bank today waiting in a short line.
There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated.
She asked the teller, “Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?”
The seller shrugged his shoulders and said, “Fluctuations.”
The Asian lady says, “Fluc you white people too!”
The President addressed a gathering of the American Indian Nation in New York State.
He spoke for an hour on his future plans for increasing the Native American’s standard of living.
He affirmed that as President he had supported every Indian issue that came before him.
The President was vague on details of his plan, although he was enthusiastic about future ideas for helping his “red sisters and brothers.”
At the conclusion of his speech, the chief presented the President with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name – “Walking Eagle.”
The President then proudly departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.
The press closed in on the chief:
News reporter: “Chief, could you tell us why you selected that Indian name for The President ?”
Chief: “Walking Eagle is a name given to a bird so full of crap, it cannot fly !”
Wife : Honey, before we got married , you used to give me gifts and expensive jewelry.
Husband : Yes…so ?
Wife : How come you don’t do it anymore ?
Husband : Have you ever seen a fisherman give worms to the fish after catching it?
The madam opened the door in Salt Lake City and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
“May I help you sir?,” she asked.
The man replied, “I want to see Valerie.”
“Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else,” said the madam.
He replied, “No, I must see Valerie.”
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.
“There are no discounts. The price is still $5000.”
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from anyway?”
The man replied,” Idaho.”
“Really,” she said. “I have family in Idaho.”
“I know.” the man said. “Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.”
A billionaire was having a party at his house, and in his back yard he had a huge pool with great white sharks in it.
He announced to everyone at the party that whoever could swim across the pool without getting attacked could either have all his money, his wife, or his house.
So when everyone got back to talking all of a sudden a guy is in the pool swimming as fast as he can and when he gets to the other side and jumps out.
The billionaire goes.. “Holy cow, I didn’t think anyone was going to do it, but anyway, you want the money right?” and the guy says “no”,
So the billionaire says, “oh, you want my house?” and the guys says “no” and so the billionaire says,” what, you want my wife, then?”
But the guys says “hell no.”
So the billionaire says “well what the heck do you want?”
The guys still trying to catch his breath says, ” I want the frickin’ person who pushed me in the pool !”
A very good-looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat.
During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck.
Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man walks into the bar.
He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women.
Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw.
Disheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the barman, ‘Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women – what’s his secret? He’s as ugly as sin and I’m everything a girl could want but have not been able to connect all night – What’s going on?’
‘Well,’ Said the Barman, ‘I don’t know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a few drinks, and just sits there licking his eyebrows……’
A woman didn’t come home one night.
The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend’s house.
The man called his wife’s 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
A man didn’t come home 1 night.
The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house.
So the wife called her husband’s 10 best friends.
8 of them confirmed that he had slept over and 2 said he was still there.
YES YES, WE LIE SOMETIMES; OK OK, MAYBE A FEW TIMES A DAY !
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, ‘Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.
I would recommend it very highly.’
The other man said, ‘What is the name of the restaurant?’
The first man thought and thought and finally said, ‘What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know… The one that’s red and has thorns.’
‘Do you mean a rose?’
‘Yes, that’s the one,’ replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled: ‘Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?’
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
“Why so little,” she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of ill repute, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.”
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.”
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought “that’s not so bad.”
When her two eighteen years old twin daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, “New house, new madam, new girls.”
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.
Moments later, the woman’s husband, George, came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said: “New house, new madam, new girls, same old johns. Hi Georgie.”
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer.
“This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks.
“Which do you want, son?”
The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber.
“That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
“Hey son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
A man died and went to heaven.
He saw a huge wall of clocks behind St. Peter.
“Why all the clocks?”
St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your Lie-Clock will move.”
”Oh,” said the man, “whose clock is that?”
”That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, she never told a lie.’
”Where’s President Trump’s clock?’ asked the man.
“Trump’s clock is in Jesus’ office. He is using it as a ceiling fan.”
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline for advice.
The Psychic tells him:
“You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.”
The frog is thrilled, “This is great! Will I meet her at a party?”
“No,” says his Advisor, “In her biology class.”
An Irishman is walking through a field when he sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.
Paddy shouts “Na ol an t-uisce, ta lan de chac bo” (Don’t drink the water, it’s full of cowshit.)
The man shouts back “I’m English, speak English, I don’t understand you.”
Paddy replies “Use both hands, you’ll get more in.”
There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen.
The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day.
So the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing.
So he turned to the mental patient and said, “I don’t hear anything.”
The mental patient said, “Yeah, I know. It’s been like that for months!”
One time when I was home visiting my folks, my mom asked me to set the table for dinner.
I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risque picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but scantily-clad young woman.
“Mom, what’s this?” I asked.
“Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to over-eat,” she answered.
“Is it working?” I asked.
“Yes and no,” she explained. “I’ve lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!”
The 3rd-grade teacher had to leave her classroom for a few minutes. On returning, she found the children in perfect order. Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet.
She was shocked and absolutely stunned. She said “I’ve never seen anything like it before. This is wonderful. But, please tell me, what came over all of you? Why are you so well-behaved and quiet?”
Finally, after much urging, Little Julie spoke up and said, “Well, one time you said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you would drop dead.”
Annie, 6 years old, gets home from school.
She had her first family planning lesson at school.
Her mother, very interested, asks;” How did it go?”
“I nearly died of shame!” She answers!
“Why?” Her Mother asked.
Annie said, “Kate from down the road, says that the stork brings babies. Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage. Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital.”
Her mother answers laughingly “But that’s no reason to be ashamed?”
“No… well that’s how I felt when I had to tell them that we were so poor, that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!”
This man had been having a few beers down at the neighborhood bar.
It was dark out and he was walking home by a park when nature called so he stepped behind a hedge to relieve himself.
To his and their surprise a couple were going at it on the grass and he almost stepped on them.
The guy got up and took off running.
The man could see the naked outline of the gals bare legs as she continued to lie there while he relieved himself.
He could feel his interest grow as he finished.
Without a word he got down beside her and took advantage of the situation.
She embraced him and showed her willingness.
Just as they were both getting into it hot and heavy a cop walked by and shined his flashlight on them saying, “What the hell do you think your doing, this is a public park.”
The man said, “But officer this is my wife.”
The officer said, “Oh, I didn’t know she was your wife.”
The man said, “Neither did I, ’till you shined your light on her.”
A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and
subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, ‘Are you ready to find Jesus?’
‘Yes I am’ replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, ‘Brother have you found Jesus?’
The drunk replies, ‘No, I haven’t.’ The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, ‘Have you found Jesus, my brother?’
The drunk again answers, ‘No, I have not found Jesus.’
By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.
When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, ‘For the love of God, have you found Jesus?’
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
“Are you sure this is where he fell in?”
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all die. In order to get into heaven though, they must go up 100 steps, each containing a joke.
The trick is that they must not laugh.
The brunette goes first and laughs at the first step and is sent to hell.
The redhead goes next and makes it to the seventh step before she laughs.
Finally, it’s the blondes turn. She gets all the way to the 99th step before she laughs.
The brunette asks her, “You were so close, why did you laugh?”
She responds, “I just got the first joke.”
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, “When I see two men from the gas company running, I figure I’d better run too!”
The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise.
“Now Maria,” she asked. “Why do you want more money?”
Maria: “Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze.”
“The first is that I iron better than you.”
Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”
Maria: “Jor huzban he say so.”
Wife: “Oh yeah?”
Maria: “The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you.”
Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?”
Maria: “Jor hozban did.”
Wife, increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?”
Maria: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.”
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth: “And did my husband say that as well?”
Maria: “No Señora; the gardener did.”
Wife: “So, how much of a raise do you want?”
My Mother Taught Me………
1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION…
“Just wait until your father gets home.”
2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING….
“You are going to get it when we get home!”
3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE…
“What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you! Don’t talk back to me!”
4. My Mother taught me LOGIC…
“If you fall out off that swing and break your neck, your not going to the store with me.”
5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE…
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.”
6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD…
“If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job.”
7. My Mother taught me ESP…
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you’re cold?”
8. My Mother taught me HUMOR…
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
9. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT…
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”
10.My Mother taught me about SEX….
“How do you think you got here?”
11.My Mother taught me about GENETICS…
“You’re just like your father.”
12.My Mother taught me about my ROOTS…
“Do you think you were born in a barn?”
13.My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE…
“When you get to be my age, you will understand.”
14.And my all time favorite…..… JUSTICE…
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you….….Then you’ll see what it’s like.”
In prison: You spend the majority of your time in an 8×10 cell.
At work: You spend most of your time in a 6×8 cubicle.
In prison: You get three meals a day.
At work: You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
In prison: You get time off for good behavior.
At work: You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
In prison: A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At work: You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
In prison: You can watch TV and play games.
At work: You get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison: You get your own toilet.
At work: You have to share.
In prison: They allow your family and friends to visit.
At work: You cannot even speak to your family and friends.
In prison: All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. At work: You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from you salary to pay for prisoners.
In prison: You spend most of your life looking through bars from
inside wanting to get out.
At work: You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
In prison: There are wardens who are often sadistic.
At work: They are called supervisors.
In prison: You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
At work: You get fired if you get caught.
It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper.
Upon being tested, the fellow couldn’t walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters.
The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn’t coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. He was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers. “Are you Mr. Johnson?” they asked?
He admitted that he was.
“Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence?”
Again, the man admitted that was he.
“And what did you do then,” the troopers asked.”
The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed.
“Where is your car now?” the troopers inquired.
The man answered that it was in the garage.
“May we see the car?” asked the troopers.
The man answered, “Sure,” and opened the garage.
Inside the garage was the state troopers car.
In a tiny village lived an old maid.
In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin.
She was very proud of it.
She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:
“Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin.”
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said.
The men went to carve it in, but as the b**tards they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long.
They simply wrote “Returned unopened.”
For 2 years a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write ‘Spaghetti’ on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. ‘Honey!’ she said, ‘you received a very strange post card today.’
‘Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it later,’ he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written: ‘Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.’
The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the captain immediately.
“Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy, female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened; and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!”
The captain responds, “Patricia, I’ve told you this before. This is Air Force One…..…”
Defense Attorney: What is your age?
Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?
Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?
Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Woman: No, I didn’t stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years.
Defense! Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, “Take me, young man, Take me!”
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Woman: Hell, no. That’s when he yelled, “April Fool!”….and that’s when I shot the S.O.B !!!
A married older man thought he would give his wife a birthday surprise by buying her a bra.
He entered a ladies shop, rather intimidated, but the salesgirls took charge to help him.
“What color?” they asked. He settled for white.
“How much does it cost?” he asked.
“Expensive, but ok,” he thought.
All that remained was the size, but he hadn’t the faintest idea.
“Now sir, are they the size a pair of melons? Coconuts? Grape fruits? Oranges?”
“No,” he said, “nothing like that.”
“Come on, sir, think. There must be something your wife’s resembles.”
He thought long and hard and then looked up and said, “Have you ever seen a Spaniel’s ears?”
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal, they lay down for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. Holmes said: “Watson, look up and tell me what you see”.
Watson said: “I see a fantastic panorama of countless stars.”
Holmes: “And what does that tell you?”
Watson pondered for a moment: “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.”
“Why? – What does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes was silent for a moment then spoke: “My good Watson……… someone has stolen our tent.”
George and Mary were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Mary suddenly jumped into the deep end. She sank to the bottom and stayed there.
George promptly jumped in to save her, he swam to the bottom and pulled Mary out.
When the medical doctor became aware of George’s act, he immediately ordered his discharged as he now considered him to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell George the news, he said “George, I have good news and bad news: the good news is you are being discharged, because you were able to jump in to a swimming pool and save the life of another patient. I think you have gotten well enough and the bad news is that, the patient you saved hung herself with her bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am sorry, she is dead.”
George replied, “She did not hang herself, I put her there to dry.”
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, “Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?”
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, “Well yeah, if that’s what they are, but I never heard of circle flies.”
So the farmer says, “Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they’re called circle flies because they’re almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.”
The trooper says, “Oh,” and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, “Hey, wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse’s ass?”
The farmer says, “Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you that.”
The trooper says, “Well, that’s a good thing,” and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a brief pause, the farmer ads, “Hard to fool them flies though……!”
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he’s doing a show in a small club in London.
With his dummy on his knee, he’s going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
“I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general……..and all in the name of humor!”
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells:
“You stay out of this, mister! I’m talking to that little f***** on your knee.!”
At a sexual assault trial the young victim was asked by the D.A. what the defendant said before the alleged assault. Too embarrassed to answer aloud, the victim asked if she could write out the answer, After reading the note the judge instructed the jury foreman to read it and pass it along to the rest of the jurors.
One juror, who had dozed off, was nudged by the woman juror sitting next to him. He took the note from her and read, “I’m going to screw you like you’ve never been screwed before.”
The juror smiled at the woman and slipped the note in his pocket. “Will juror number 12 please pass the note to me!” ordered the judge.
“I can’t, Your Honor,” the juror answered. “It’s personal.”
Joseph was called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), so he asked his accountant for advice on how to dress for the occasion.
“Wear your shabbiest clothing so that they think you are a pauper.” His accountant told him.
Joseph decided to ask his lawyer as well. “Wear your best clothing so they know you aren’t intimidated.” The lawyer said.
Completely confused, Joseph went to his priest and told him about the conflicting advice he had received, asking for his advice.
“Let me tell you a story.” The priest said. “A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what she should wear on her wedding night and was told to wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that covered her all the way up to her neck. She also asked her best friend, who told her to wear a sexy negligee with a V neck down to her navel.”
Joseph was confused. “What does any of that have to do with my problem with the IRS?”
“Simple.” replied the priest. “It doesn’t matter what you wear, you’re still going to get screwed.”
Three nurses all decided to play a joke on the doctor they worked for.
Later in the day, they all got together on break and discussed what they had done to the doctor.
The first nurse said, “I put cotton in his stethoscope so he couldn’t hear.”
The second nurse said, “Well, I did worse than that. I poked holes in all his condoms.”
The third nurse fainted.
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.
His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You’re beautiful.” Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, “You’re cute!”
The wife was disappointed because instead of “beautiful,” it was now “cute.”
She said, “What happened to ‘beautiful’?”
The man replied, “The drugs are wearing off.”
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn’t stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:
“I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?”
”What happened to her?”
“She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her.”
He inquired further, “But who is in the second hearse?”
The man answered, “My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.”
A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men. Then the first one asked: “Can I borrow the dog?”
The man replied, “Get in line.”
A mother took her little boy to church.
While in church the little boy said, “Mommy, I have to pee.”
The mother said to the little boy, “It’s not appropriate to say the word ‘pee’ in church. So, from now on whenever you have to ‘pee’ just tell me that you have to ‘whisper’.”
The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, “Daddy, I have to whisper.“
The father looked at him and said, “Okay, just whisper in my ear.”
A blonde holding a baby walks into a drug store and asks the clerk if she can use the store’s baby scale.
“Sorry, ma’am,” says the clerk. “Our baby scale is broken. But we can figure the baby’s weight if we weigh mother and baby together on the adult scale, and then weigh the mother alone, and subtract the second number from the first.”
“Oh, that won’t work,” says the blonde.
“Why not?” asks the clerk.
“Because,” she answers, “I’m not the mother – I’m the aunt.”
A man owned a small farm in Iowa. The Iowa Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” demanded the agent.
“Well, there are my hired hands. One has been with me for four years; the other for three. I pay them each $600 a week, plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a month plus free room and board. Then there’s the half-wit that works here about 18 hours a day. He takes home $10 a week and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every week,” replied the farmer.
“That’s the guy I want to talk to — the half-wit,” said the agent.
The farmer said, “That would be me!”
During a good-manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:
“If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family, and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?”
Mike replies: “Wait a minute, I’m going for a piss.”
The teacher says: “That would be very rude and improper on your part.”
Charlie replies: “I’m sorry I need to go to the toilet, I’ll be back in a minute.”
The teacher says: “That’s much better but to mention the word “toilet” during a meal, is unpleasant.”
The teacher then reluctantly asks Little Johnny “what would you say to a little girl at the table to excuse yourself to relief yourself ?”
And Little Johnny says: “My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, to whom, I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner.”
Don was so excited to be going bear-hunting.
He spotted a small Brown Bear in the woods and shot it.
Then there was a tap on his shoulder, he turned around to see a big Black Bear.
The Black Bear said: “Don, you’ve got two choices: either I maul you to death or we have sex.” Don decided to choose life.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Don soon recovered and vowed revenge.
He headed out on another trip where he found the Black Bear and shot it.
There was another tap on his shoulder.
This time a huge Grizzly Bear was standing right next to him.
The Grizzly said: “That was a huge mistake Don. You’ve got two choices: either I maul you to death, or we have rough sex.”
Again, Don thought it was better to comply.
Although he survived, it took several months before Don finally recovered.
Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the Grizzly and shot it.
He felt the sweet taste of revenge. But then there was a tap on his shoulder.
Don turned round to find a giant Polar Bear standing there.
The Polar Bear said: “Frickin’ Hell Don! Admit it, you don’t really come here for the hunting, do you…..?”
Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta.
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hanger with nothing to-do.
Bud said, “Man, I wish we had something to drink!”
Jim says, “Me too. Y’know, I’ve heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?”
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane stuff and get completely smashed.
The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!
Then the phone rings……… It’s Jim.
Jim says, “Hey, how do you feel this morning?”
Bud says, “I feel great. How about you?”
Jim says, “I feel great, too. You don’t have a hangover?”
Bud says, “No, that jet fuel is great stuff – no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.”
“Yeah, well there’s just one thing…”
“Have you farted yet?”
“Well, DON’T, ’cause I’m in PHOENIX!!!”
A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, “Mom, why have I got these huge three toed feet?”
The mother replies, “Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand.”
“OK,” said the son.
A few minutes later the son asks, “Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?”
“They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert.”
“Thanks Mom,” replies the son.
After a short while, the son returns and asks, “Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??”
The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, “They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods.”
“That’s great Mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but Mom…….”
“Why the heck are we in the San Diego zoo ???”
Two blondes suddenly got into bird hunting and were eager to try it out for themselves.
They had read that a bird-dog is a great and useful accessory in bird hunting, so they decided to go to the pet shop and buy one.
They asked for a well-trained bird-dog, and got one.
The two blondes immediately went to the woods to try it out. The dog didn’t work. No matter how hard they tried, it just didn’t follow their commands.
They became really frustrated and one of the blondes said to her companion, “Okay, we’ll give him one more try. We’ll throw him in the air one more time and if he doesn’t fly, we’re taking him back to the store!”
The front door was accidentally left open and our dog was gone.
After unsuccessfully whistling and calling, my husband got in the car and went looking for him. He drove around the neighborhood for some time with no luck.
Finally he stopped beside a couple out for a walk and asked if they had seen our dog.
“You mean the one following your car?” they asked.
Georgie is walking down the street after a sex-change operation has transformed him into a beautiful woman.
An old friend sees him and says, “Georgie, you look great… you’re beautiful!”
Georgie says, “Thanks… but holy Christ, did it hurt.”
His friend says, “When they cut open your chest and put in those implants?” Georgie says, “No, that didn’t really hurt.”
His friend says, “When they cut off your genitals?”
Georgie says, “No, that didn’t really hurt.”
His friend says, “Then what did hurt?”
Georgie says, “When the doctor drilled a hole in my head and sucked out half my brain!”
A carload of hunters, looking for a place to hunt, pulled into a farmers yard. The driver went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt.
The old farmer said, “Sure you can hunt, but would you do me a favor? That old mule standing over there is 20 years old and sick with cancer, but I don’t have the heart to kill her. Would you do it for me?”
The hunter said, “Sure,” and headed for the car.
While walking back, however, he decided to pull a trick on his hunting buddies.
He got into the car and when they asked if the farmer had said OK, he said “No, we can’t hunt here, but I’m going to teach that old cuss a lesson.”
With that, he rolled down his window, stuck his gun out and blasted the mule.
As he exclaimed, “There, that will teach him!” a second shot rang out from the passenger side.
And, one of his hunting buddies shouted, “I got the cow!”
A farm boy accidentally overturned a wagon load of corn.
A farmer, who lived nearby, heard the noise and yelled to the boy, “Hey, Willis, forget your troubles and come in for a visit. I’ll help you pick the wagon up later.”
“That’s mighty nice of you,” Willis answered, “but Pa wouldn’t like me to.”
“Aw, come on, boy,” the farmer insisted.
“Well, OK” the boy finally agreed, “but Pa won’t like it.”
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. “I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.”
“Don’t be foolish,” the neighbor said with a smile; “by the way, where is he?”
“Under the wagon,” replied the boy.
One day while walking downtown, a Human Resources woman was hit by a bus and was tragically killed. Her soul arrived up the Pearly Gates where she met St. Peter.
“Welcome to Heaven,” said St. Peter. “Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we’ve never once had an HR manager make it this far. What we’re going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in,” the Saint said.
“Actually, I think I’ve made up my mind……. I prefer to stay in Heaven.”
“Sorry, we have our rules…”
And with that St. Peter put the HR manager in an elevator and it went down-down-down to Hell. The doors opened and the HR manager found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends from the industry. They played a round of golf and, at night, enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She even met Devil himself who appeared to be really nice. She had a great time, but before she knew it, it was time to leave. She got on the elevator and went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates where St. Peter was waiting for her.
“Now it’s time to spend a day in Heaven” he said. So the HR manager spent the next 24 hours lounging around on the clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it, her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
“So, you’ve spent a day in Hell and you’ve spent a day in Heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,” he said.
The HR manager paused for a second and then replied, “Well, I think I had a better time in Hell.”
So, St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again the HR manager went down-down-down back to Hell.
When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up garbage and putting it in sacks for the evening meal. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her and laughed at her.
“I don’t understand,” stammered the HR manager. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.”
The Devil looked at her and grinned: “That’s because yesterday we were recruiting you, but today you’re staff.”
A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
“What’s up?” he says.
“I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!”
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
“You rotten b******”, says the husband, “my wife’s having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!!!”
1. “OLD” IS WHEN….. Your sweetie says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “Honey, I can’t do both
2. !” OLD” IS WHEN….. Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.
3. “OLD” IS WHEN….. A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
4. “OLD” IS WHEN….. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
5. “OLD” IS WHEN….. You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.
6. “OLD” IS WHEN….. You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
7. “OLD” IS WHEN….. “Getting a little action” means I don’t need to take any fiber today.
8. “OLD” IS WHEN….. “Getting lucky” means you find your car in the parking lot.
9. “OLD” IS WHEN….. An “all-nighter” means not getting up to pee
After three years of marriage, Amy was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.
“C’mon, tell me,” she asked for the thousandth time, “how many women have you slept with?”
“Baby, ” he protested, “if I told you, you’d throw a fit.”
Amy promised she wouldn’t get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.
“Okay,” he said, “One, two, three, four, five, six, seven – then there’s you – nine, ten, 11, 12, 13…..”
That was the last thing he remembered before waking up in hospital.
Doctors are hopeful about saving his family jewels.
Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, “Edna, I’d like to ride in that there airplane.” And every year Edna would say, “I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”
One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, “Edna, I’m 71 years old. If I don’t ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance.” Edna replied, “Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”
The pilot overheard them and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won’t charge you, but if you say one word it’s ten dollars.”
Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
They land and the pilot turns to Fred, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.”
Fred replied, “Well, I was going to say something when Edna fell out of the plane, but……ten dollars is ten dollars.”
A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone. The counselor asks, “You say you’ve been married 20 years, but what seems to be the problem?”
The wife replies, “It’s my husband – he’s driving me crazy! I’m going to leave him if he continues!”
“How does he drive you crazy?”
“For 20 years,” she says, “He’s been doing these stupid things. Firstly, whenever we go out, he’s always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It’s very embarrassing.”
The marriage counselor is amused, “Anything else?”
“And he keeps on picking his nose all the time!! Even in public!!”
“Hmm… anything else?”
“And..”, the wife hesitates, “whenever we’re making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I’d like to be in control!”
“Ah,” says the counselor, “I think I’ll talk to your husband now.”
So the wife goes out of the room and the husband comes in. The counselor says, “Your wife says that you’ve been driving her crazy. She might even leave you.”
The husband looks shocked, “WHAT? For 20 years I’ve been loving and considerate and I’ve always given her what she wants! What can be the problem?!?”
The counselor explains, “She says that you’ve got these habits that are driving her crazy. Firstly, you’re always acting strange in public – looking at the floor and never going near anyone else.”
The husband looks concerned, “Oh, you don’t understand! It’s one of the few things my father told me to do on his death-bed and I swore I’d obey everything he said then!”
“What did he say?”
“He said that I should never step on anyone’s toes!”
The counselor looks amused, “Err……. actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry.”
The husband looks sheepish, “Oh..okay.”
The counselor continues, “And you keep picking your nose in public.”
“Aha! Another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean!”
The counselor looks faint, “Err…… that means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity.”
“Oh..”, says the husband looking very stupid.
“And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your love-making.”
“This,” says the husband seriously, “is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his death-bed and it’s the most important thing.”
“What did he say?”
The husband replies, “In his dying breath, he said…..’Don’t screw up.'”
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
“Hey, girls,” says the brunette, “let’s go home early tomorrow. She’ll never know.”
So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does.
The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss!
She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.
“That was fun,” says the brunette. “We should do it again sometime.”
“No way,” says the blonde. “I almost got caught.”
A man and a woman are in a lamaze class, and the woman is 7-months pregnant. In this class, the lamaze instructor is trying to get the husbands to understand what their wives are going through.
All the men put on fake bellies, and the lamaze instructor walks up to the first man and drops a pencil in front of him.
“Okay, now pick up that pencil exactly as your wife would,” says the lamaze instructor.
The husband smiles slyly. “You want me to pick it up ‘exactly’ how my wife would? He asks.
“Yes, exactly how your wife would,” the lamaze instructor repeats, impatiently.
The man looks at his wife, and says, “Honey, pick up that pencil.”
A farmer sent his nephew a crate of chickens, but the box burst open just as the boy started to take them out.
The next day he wrote his uncle:
“The crate broke, and all the chickens got away.
I chased them all over God’s green earth, but only got back eleven.”
The uncle wrote back: “You did all right. I only sent six.”
“I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you for good. I’ve been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn’t notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don’t tell me you love me anymore, you don’t touch me or anything. Either you’re cheating or you don’t love me anymore, whatever the case is, I’m gone.
P.S. If you’re trying to find me, don’t. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together!
Have a great life!
Your EX- Wife
Nothing has made my day more that receiving your letter. It’s true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn’t work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was “You look just like a man!” My mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say anything nice.
When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica.
But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyers said with your letter that you wrote, you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.
P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that’s not a problem.
Rich As Hell And Free
Son:”Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!”
Father: “That’s great son. Who is she?”
Son: “It’s Sandra, the neighbor’s daughter”
Father: “Ohhh, I wish you hadn’t said that. I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister.
The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later…..
Son: “Daddy, I fell in love again n she is even hotter!”
Father: “That’s great son. Who is she?”
Son: “It’s Angela, the other neighbor’s daughter.”
Father: “Ohhhh I wish you hadn’t said that.Angela is also your sister.”
This went on couple of times and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.
Son:”Mum, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can’t date any of them, because dad is their father!”
The mother hugs him affectionately and says: “My love, you can date whoever you want. Don’t listen to him. He isn’t your father.”
A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line.
She also wants him to put “Happy Thanksgiving” under the turkey.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with “Merry Christmas” up on her left thigh.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, “If you don’t mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?”
She says “I’m sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there’s nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!”
After four years of separation, my wife and I finally divorced amicably. I wanted to date again, but I had no idea of how to start, so I decided to look in the personals column of the local newspaper.
After reading through all the listings, I circled three that seemed possible in terms of age and interest, but I put off calling them.
Two days later, there was a message on my answering machine from my ex-wife.
“I came over to your house to borrow some tools today and saw the ads you circled in the paper. Don’t call the one in the second column. It’s me.”
A man had front row tickets behind home plate at the World Series, when another guy comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. “Nope”, he replied, “that seat is empty”.
“Whoah! That’s crazy!”, said the guy. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Series, the biggest day in all of baseball, and not even bother show up?”
Sadly, the man says, “Well….… the seat actually belongs to me. I was supposed to come here with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Series we’ve missed since we got married in 1964.”
“Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. What a shame. But couldn’t you find someone else – a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?”
“Nah,” the man replies as he shakes his head, “they’re all at funeral.”
A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest.
She lies down on the bed… just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she’s thrown out of the bed.
Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more.
Again a train shakes the room so violently, she’s pitched to the floor.
Exasperated, she calls the front desk and asks for the manager.
The manager says he’ll be right up.
The manager is skeptical, but the wife insists the story is true.
“Look… lie here on the bed — you’ll be thrown right to the floor!”
So he lies down next to the wife.
Just then the husband walks in and says, “What are you doing here!?!”
The manager calmly replies, “Would you believe, I’m waiting for a train?”
Once upon a time, there was an old miner who was traveling through the desert with his trusty mule of many years. All of a sudden, the mule fell over dead. The old man buried his old friend and put up a cross as a grave marker.
He wrote on the cross, “My Ass”. Then he continued on his journey.
Years later a town grew nearby the grave. The road into town went right by the marker, so the town adopted the name out of respect for the dead mule.
It had become somewhat of an historical site. Then one day, a traveling salesman, who was lost, wondered into the old desert town, but did not notice the marker. He saw a man on the street and stopped to get directions.
The salesman asked, “Could you please tell me where I am?”
“Sure” replied the old man. “You are right on the edge of my ass.”
The salesman was puzzled by what the man said, so he decided to ask someone else.
He thanked the man and continued to what appeared to be the downtown area. He saw another man walking down the street.
He asked, “Please sir, could you please tell me where I am? I seem to be lost.”
The old man promptly replied, “No problem young fella. You are right smack dab in the middle of my ass!”
At this point the salesman decided that everyone in the little town was crazy and decided to leave. On the way out of town he spotted a seafood restaurant.
He had become quite hungry, so he decided to get something to eat before traveling on to the next town.
The waitress walked over and asked, “What will you have stranger?”
The man replied, “I think I will have the crab platter.”
The waitress replied, “I am sorry sir, we are all out of crabs. My husband looked all over my ass last night.”
At a Senior Citizen’s luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, “Do you want to go up or down?”
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat.
When they finished, the man couldn’t believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he’d had in years. They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady, “Up or down?”
There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.
She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, “Up or down?”
The woman replied, “Down.”
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, “Up or down?”
She replied, “Up.”
This really confused the gentleman so he asked, “What’s the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!”
She replied, “Well, yesterday I wasn’t wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were ‘F*** or Drown’.”
Three blondes were applying for the last available position in the Wyoming Sheriff’s Department. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, “So ya’ll want to be a cop, eh?” The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a file folder. Sitting back down, he opened it up and pulled out a picture and said,
“To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice such things as distinguishing features and oddities, like scars and tattoos.”
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
“Now,” he said, “did you notice any distinguishing features about the man?”
The blonde immediately said, “Yes, I did. He has only one eye!”
The detective shook his head and said, “Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It’s a profile of his face! You’re dismissed!”
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the same photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, “What about you? Did you notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?”
“Yes! He only has one ear!”
The detective put his head in his hand and exclaimed, “Didn’t you hear what I just told the other ? This is a profile of the man’s face! Of course you can only see one ear! You’re excused, too!”
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, “This is probably a waste of time, but….”
He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, “All right. Did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?”
The blonde replied, “I sure did! This man wears contact lenses.”
The detective frowned, examined the picture and began reviewing some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, “You’re absolutely right!
His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at this picture?”
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, “Well, duhhhhhhh! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can’t wear glasses!”
The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.
“It will be waiting for you at the airport!” he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway.
He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, “Let’s go! Let’s go!” The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
“Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer, “and make three or four low level passes.”
“Why?” asked the pilot.
“Because I’m going to take pictures! I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!” said the photographer with great exasperation.
After a long pause the pilot said, “You mean you’re not the instructor?”
A Chinese man walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph. Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says: “You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor , get outta here!.”
The astonished Chinese man replied, “It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor , it was the Japanese”.
“Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you’re all the same,” replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, “You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship.”
Shocked, Spielberg replies, “It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me.”
The Chinese replies, “Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you’re all the same!”
The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in floods of tears.
“Darling, whatever is the matter?” he asked.
“Sweetheart,” she sobbed, “The most terrible thing has happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out of the oven to season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone, I found that the cat had eaten it!”
“Don’t worry, darling,” said her husband. “Don’t cry. We can get a new cat tomorrow.”
A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 5-year-old son standing pie-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event.
The man thought, “Great… he’s 5 and I’m gonna have to start explaining the birds and the bees. No need to jump the gun – I’ll just let him ask, and I’ll answer.”
When everything was over, Dad strolled over to his son and said,
“Well Willie, do you have any questions?”
“Just one,” gasped the pie-eyed lad. “How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?”
Three little ducks go into a bar.
“Say, what’s your name?” the bartender asked the first duck.
“Huey,” was the reply.
“How’s your day been, Huey?”
“Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?” said Huey.
“Oh. That’s nice,” said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, “Hi, and what’s your name?”
“Dewey,” came the answer from duck number two.
“So how’s your day been, Dewey! ?” he asked.
“Great. Lovely day. I’ve had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?”
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, “So, you must be Louie?”
“No,” she said, batting her eyelashes. “My name is Puddles.”
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the special was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.
“Sounds good,” my wife said. “But I don’t want the eggs.”
“Then I’ll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you’re ordering a la carte,” the waitress warned her.
“You mean I’d have to pay for not taking the eggs?” my wife asked incredulously. “I’ll take the special.”
“How do you want your eggs?”
“Raw and in the shell,” my wife replied. She took the eggs home.
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, “Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, “You see, it’s like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it’s sooooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own……. so does she.”
The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later.
Finally, at about 3:00 AM, she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs. ‘Do you realize what time it is ?!” she barked.
He answered, “Don’t get excited, I’m late because I bought something for the house.”
Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she said, “What did you buy for the house, dear?”
His answer was, “A round of drinks!”
A husband went to the police station to file a “missing person” report for his missing wife:
Husband : -I lost my wife, she went shopping hasn’t come back yet.
Inspector : -What is her height?
Husband : -Average, I guess.
Inspector : -Slim or healthy?.
Husband : -Not slim, but probably healthy.
Inspector : -Color of eyes?
Husband : -Never noticed.
Inspector : -Color of hair?
Husband : -Changes according to season.
Inspector : -What was she wearing?
Husband : -Not sure, either a dress or a suit.
Inspector : -Was she driving?
Husband : -Yes.
Inspector : -Color of the car?
Husband : -Black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door”……..and then the husband started crying…
Inspector: -Don’t worry sir, We will find your car.”
A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer’s garden.
“I’ll give you my two pennies for that tomato,” said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine.
“No,” said the farmer, “I get a dime for a tomato like that one.”
The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, “Will you take two pennies for that one?”
“Yes,” replied the farmer, “I’ll give you that one for two cents.”
“OK,” said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer’s hand, “I’ll pick it up in about a week.”
A company in the Foreign Legion had spent three years in the Sahara desert, never having seen a woman.
They finally decided to send one private on vacation to the nearest town to spend some time with a woman and tell them all about it.
After a week the private comes back all happy and relaxed. The whole company crowded around him waiting to hear of his great escapades.
The private began, “And on the third day……..”
“No! no! start with the first day,” everyone yells out in chorus.
“And on the third day” the private continues, “she asked me to stop so that she could go to the bathroom.”
When a delegate from a emerging African nation was in Moscow, he watched a game of Russian roulette. Someone put the barrel of a pistol up to his head and pulled the trigger. One of the six chambers had a real live bullet.
A month later, the Russian delegate was visiting the African nation.
“We would like to show you our version of roulette,” the ambassador said, “We call this African roulette.”
“How do you play?”
The ambassador pointed to six buxom tribeswomen sitting in a circle. “Any of these six girls will give you a b job.”
“Well, where is the roulette part? Where is the jeopardy? You must have some risk involved in this game, you know.” the Russian said.
“Well,” said the African ambassador, “one of the girls is a cannibal.”
A woman was trying to board a bus, but her skirt was too tight and she couldn’t step. She reached behind her and lowered the zipper a bit and tried again.
The skirt was still too tight. She reached behind her and lowered the zipper some more.
She still couldn’t get on the bus and lowered the zipper a third time. All of a sudden, she felt two hands on her butt, which proceeded to push her up onto the bus.
She spun around, with anger in her eyes and said very indignantly, “Sir, I do not know you well enough for you to behave in such a manner.”
The man smiled coyly and said, “Lady, I don’t know you well enough either for you to unzip my fly three times either!”
The beautiful secretary of a bank president was asked to squire around the king of a wealthy African kingdom, one of the bank’s most important clients.
After a day shopping & sightseeing, the king was utterly besotted with the lady, and asked for her hand in marriage. The proposal took the secretary by surprise and she was thinking of how to turn him down politely without jeopardizing the bank’s business relationship.
So she told the king that she would only marry him if he fulfilled three conditions. The king readily agreed. The secretary named her first condition. She would only marry him if he could give her a 75-carat diamond ring with matching 200 carat tiara.
The king thought for a while and said finally, “No problem! I have, I have”.
One down, the lady thought up something more complex. “My second condition is that you must build me a 200 room mansion in the best district of New York City and for my holiday home, a chateau in the middle of the best wine country in France.”
The king whipped out his cellular phone and after a lengthy conversation with his broker in New York, he said triumphantly, “OK, I build, I build”.
Realizing that she was down to her last defense, the lady thought hard. Finally, she smiled to herself thinking that her third condition was the best yet. Surely the king could not possibly fulfill this one. “Well,” she said, “You know, I love sex, so the man I marry MUST have a 14-inch long ‘you-know-what’.”
The king was silent and thoughtful for a long time, burying his face in his hands. Finally, he shook his head, and in a rather sad, resigned voice said, “OK, OK, I cut, I cut”.
One day, they’re leading a priest, a drunkard , and an engineer to the guillotine. They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate.
The priest says that he would like to face up, so he will be looking at heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.
The drunkard comes up to the guillotine next. He also decides to die face up, hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down, but suddenly stops just inches from his neck. Again the authorities take this as a sign of divine intervention and they release the drunkard as well.
Next is the engineer. He too decides to die facing up. As they slowly raise the blade of the guillotine the engineer suddenly says, “Hey! I see what the problem is………”
Groups of American seniors were traveling by tour bus through Holland.
As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat’s milk was used in some of the cheeses. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
“These,” she explained, “are the older goats. We put them out to pasture when they no longer produce.” She then asked, “What do you do in America with your old goats?”
A spry old gentleman answered, “They send us on bus tours!”
A married couple have been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky.
The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. “Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts.”
The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch.
Soon the couple on the ground is placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down, “Hey, no screwing!”
They yell back, “We’re not screwing!”
A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down, “Hey, no sex!”
Again they yell back, “We’re not!”
Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down, “Hey, I said no screwing!”
They yell back, “We’re not!”
Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband. He’s not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend are hard at it.
The husband looks out from the tower and says, “Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they’re screwing.”
A man comes to a doctor and, twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to say, “Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?”
“Oh, that’s not a problem for us men anymore!” announces a proud physician, “They just came out with this new wonder drug that does the trick! You take some pills, and your problems are history.”
So the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way.
A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street.
“Doctor, Doctor!” exclaims the man excitedly, “I’ve got to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It’s wonderful! I’ve had sex fourteen times in eight days!”
“Well, I’m glad to hear that” says the pleased physician, “What does your wife think about it?”
“Wife?” asks the man, “I haven’t even been home yet!”
A guy complains to his doctor that his sex life is deteriorating rapidly. The doctor tells him he needs to reintroduce excitement, guilt and so on into the process. He ponders this for a few days and hatches a plan.
“Well,” he says to the doctor “A week ago, I did everything you suggested. The boss let me leave work an hour early. I sped home and I skidded all the way up the driveway. I slammed open the door, charged into the house and found Sheila in the living room. I stripped her naked and we went to it on the coffee table.”
“And did you enjoy it?” asked the doctor enthusiastically.
“Well,” says the guy slowly and thoughtfully, “somewhat, but the Bible-study group was kinda embarrassed.”
Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.
Donald told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened.
About one hour later Donald sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn. “What happened to you?” asked Donald .
“Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me.”
“My God, what did you tell them?” asks Trump.
The driver replies, “I’m Donald Trump’s driver, and I just killed the pig.”
So this Israeli is out picking up chicks in Tel Aviv.
While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather Nordic looking blonde woman. They go back to his place, and sure enough, they go at it. Proud of his rugged background and years in the IDF, he forces himself to last as long as possible.
He finally finishes. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So…….you finish?”
After a slight pause she replies, “No.”
Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting even longer than the first time… … and this time completing the deed with even louder shouts.
Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, “So…..you finish?”
And again, after a short pause, she simply says “No.”
Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once again puts out the cigarette, and mounts his “companion du jour.”
This time, with all the strength he could muster up, he barely manages to end the task, but he does, after quite some time and energy is spent.
Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette … lights it again, and then asks, “So……you finish?”
To which her pleasured reply is, “For the last time: NO. I’m Swedish.”
Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, “Is it true they’s suin’ them cigarette companies fer causin’ people to git cancer?”
“Yes, Bubba, sure is true,” responded the lawyer.
“And now someone is suin’ them fast food restaurants fer makin’ them fat an’ cloggin’ their arteries with all them burgers an’ fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?”
“Sure is, Bubba.” ”
And that lady sued McDonald’s for millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?”
“And that football player sued that university when he gradiated and still couldn’t read?”
“That’s right,” said the lawyer. “But why are you asking?”
“Well, I was thinkin’ . . . What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?”
Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, “Fried chicken.”
She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal’s office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, “Colonel Sanders.”
Guess where the heck I am now…….
It’s the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date.
He’s a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl’s father answers and invites him in. “Carrie’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” he says.
“That’s cool,” says Bobby.
Carrie’s father asks Bobby what they’re planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Carrie’s father responds, “Why don’t you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.”
Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie’s dad to repeat it.
“Yeah,” says Carrie’s father, “Carrie really likes to screw; she’d screw all night if we let her!”
Well, this just made Bobby’s eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.
A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she’s ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: “DARN IT, DADDY! THE TWIST!! IT’S CALLED THE TWIST !!”
A guy was spending the night with a married couple in their apartment. Since they didn’t have a couch, they let him share their bed with them.
Once they all went to bed and the husband fell asleep, the wife whispered in the guy’s ear, “Pull a hair from my husband’s behind; if he is asleep we can ‘DO THE DIRTY’.”
The guy pulled a hair from the husband’s, and he didn’t wake up, so the guy proceeded to make it with the wife. Not satisfied, the wife told him to do it a second, then a third time, which he happily dida nd before doing it every time the friend made sure that the husband is sound asleep by pulling a hair from husband’s ass.
Finally, the husband rolled over and said wearily, “It’s bad enough that you’re having sex with my wife in the same bed as me, but do you have to use my ass as a scoreboard ?!?”
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can’t be found. So he drives the farmer’s Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, “I think I can stand over the hole! ” So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, “Grab for my ‘thingy’ and pull yourself up. ” And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don’t need a Mercedes to pick up chicks !
An Irish woman “of a certain age” visited her doctor to ask his help in reviving her husband’s sex drive.
“What about trying Viagra?”, asked the doctor.
“Not a chance,” she said. “He won’t even take an aspirin.”
“Not a problem,” replied the doctor. “Drop it into his coffee. He won’t even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.”
A week later she rang up the doctor who directly inquired as to progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, “Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! “Twas horrid. Just terrible, Doctor.”
“Really? What happened?”, asked the doctor.
“Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee, didn’t I? The effect was almost immediate. He jumped himself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you!”
“Why so terrible?”, asked the doctor. ” Do you mean you didn’t enjoy it?”
“Of course I did doctor! Indeed, ’twas the best sex I’ve had in 25 years. But we’ll never be able to show our face in Starbucks again !!”
A man gets his new prescription for Viagra, and starts home to get ready for when his wife gets home.
He calls her on the phone, and she says, “I’ll be home in an hour.”
“Perfect,” he thinks.
The Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before, so he takes the Viagra and waits.
Well, an hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife… She calls him on the cell phone and says, “Traffic is terrible. I won’t be there for about an hour.”
The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice.
“I’ve taken the pill, ready for action and my wife won’t be home for another hour! What should I do?” he asks.
The Doctor replied, “It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?”
“Yes” the man replied.
“Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?” said the Doctor.
The man then replied with dismay, “But I don’t need Viagra with the housekeeper……..”
A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, “Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I’ve never had three girls at once. I need something to keep me ready and keep me potent.”
The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label **Viagra Extra Strength** and says, “Here, if you eat this, you’ll go nuts for twelve hours.”
The guy says, “Gimme three boxes.”
The next day, the guy walks into the same pharmacy, limps up to the pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man’s ‘member’ is black and blue, mangled and chunks of skin are hanging off in some places.
In a pained voice, the man moans out, “Gimme a bottle of Deep Heat.”
The pharmacist replies in horror, “You can’t put Deep Heat on that!”
The man replies, “No, it’s for my arms- The girls didn’t show up.”