An elderly man walks into a confessional.
Man: ‘I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.
Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.’
Priest: ‘Are you sorry for your sins?’
Man: ‘What sins?’
Priest: ‘What kind of a Catholic are you?’
Man: ‘I’m Jewish.’
Priest: ‘Why are you telling me all this?’
Man: ‘I’m 92 years old……..I’m telling everybody!”
A group of four-year-olds were trying very hard to become accustomed to school. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
“You need to use ‘Big People’ words,” she was always reminding them. “John what did you do over the weekend?”
“I went to visit my Nana.”
“No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use ‘Big People’ words!”
She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
“I took a ride on a choo-choo.”
“No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use ‘Big People’ words,” she said.
She then asked Alex what he had done.
“I read a book,” he replied.
“That’s WONDERFUL!” the teacher said. “What book did you read?”
Alex thought very hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said, “Winnie the SH*T.”
An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple bumps.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like it, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days.
The man returns a couple of days and the doctor says: “I’ve got bad news for you. You’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it”.
The man looks a little perplexed and says: “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc”.
The doctor answers: “I’m sorry, there’s no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis”.
The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion”.
The doctor replies: “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice”.
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely ware disease”.
The guy says to the doctor: “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?”
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: “Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!”
“Oh, Thank God!”, the man replies.
“Yes”, says the Chinese doctor, “You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself! You save money!”
An explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb for the first time, and in the center of the tomb there’s a lamp.
He picks it up, and as he starts to rub the dirt off of it, a genie comes out of the lamp and says, “I want to know the person you hate the most.”
The explorer says, “That’s gotta be my ex-wife. Why?”
“I am a cursed genie. I will grant you three wishes. But whatever you wish for, your ex-wife will get double that amount.”
“Okay, I wish for a billion dollars.”
“Granted, but you ex-wife gets two billion dollars.”
“I wish for a mansion in California with a swimming pool, and tennis courts, everything.”
“Granted, and your ex-wife gets two. Now make your final wish.”
The explorer walks around for a few minutes, returns to the genie with a stick, and says, “You see this stick? I’d like you to beat me half to death.”
A man and a woman are sleeping together when suddenly there is a noise in the house, and the woman rolls over and says, “It’s my husband, you have to leave!”
The man jumps out of bed, jumps through the window, crawls through the bushes, and out on the street, when he realizes something.
He goes back to the house and snaps at the woman, “Wait, I’m your husband!”
She replies, giving him a dirty look, “So why did you run?”
He shot back: “And why did you wake me ??”
One day, Pete complained to his friend: “My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”
His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00”.
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store.
Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks…….
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter.
To top it off, he m**turbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its lights, and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener;
Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo;
Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic;
Your wife is pregnant…….twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer;
And if you don’t stop j**king off, your elbow will never get better!!
The new manager walks into his office and, while settling into his
new desk, finds 4 envelopes. On one he finds the words “open me
first,” and the others are numbered 1 to 3.
He opens the first envelope and finds a letter from his predecessor
saying: “These three envelopes will save you a world of trouble. In
case of emergency, please open these envelopes in sequential order;
envelope “1” first, envelope “2” second, and envelope “3” third.”
The manager shrugs, puts the envelopes back, and forgets about them.
Six months later, the workers go on strike. The company closes, and
is losing money fast.
After a long night negotiating with the union, he remembers the 3
envelopes. So he opens the first one and it says: “Blame me, your
predecessor for every thing.”
Wonderful idea, he thinks, and indeed it works. The crisis comes to an end. His job is saved, and everybody’s happy.
A few months later, another strike hits. He goes to the drawer and
opens the second envelope. It reads, “Blame the government for
It works like a charm, and he breathes a sigh of relief as his job
is, once again, saved.
A month later, the workers declare another strike. The manager goes
directly to the third envelope and it reads: “Prepare 4 new
An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years.
The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said “Yes”.
The next morning when he woke up, he couldn’t remember what her answer was! “Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny…….”
After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail, he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn’t remember her answer to the marriage proposal.
“Oh”, she said, “I’m so glad you called. I remembered saying ‘Yes’ to someone, but I couldn’t remember who it was !”
Two friends rented a boat and fished in a lake every day.
One day they caught 30 fish.
One said to the other: “Mark this spot, so that we can come back here again tomorrow.”
The next day, when they were driving out to rent the boat, the same guy asked his friend, “Did you mark that spot?”
His friend replied, “Yeah, I put a big ‘X’ on the bottom of the boat.”
The first one said, “You stupid fool! What if we don’t get that same boat today!?!?”
A big-shot executive had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, “I have to take your temperature. ” After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
“No, I’m sorry, the nurse stated, “but for this reading, I can’t use an oral thermometer. ”
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, “I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!”
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing.
After half an hour, the man’s doctor comes into the room.
“What’s going on here?” asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, “What’s the matter, Doc? Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?”
After a pause, the doctor confesses, “Not with a carnation, I haven’t.”
An old snake goes to see his doctor.
“Doc, I need something for my eyes, I can’t see very well these days.”
The doctor fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he’s very depressed.
Doc says, “What’s the problem? Didn’t the glasses help you?”
“The glasses are fine doc, but I just discovered I’ve been living with a water hose for the past 2 years!”
A lady went to the police station to file a report for her missing Husband
Lady : I lost my Husband
Inspector : What is his height..??
Lady : I never noticed
Inspector : Slim or healthy..??
Lady : Not slim can be healthy
Inspector : Color of eyes..??
Lady : Never noticed
Inspector : Color of hair..??
Lady : Changes according to season
Inspector : What was he wearing..??
Lady : suit/casuals I don’t remember exactly
Inspector : Was somebody with him ??
Lady : Yes my Labrador dog, Calvin, tied with a golden chain, height 26 inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, he never barks, wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes non veg food, we eat together, we jog together & the lady started crying
Inspector : Let’s search for the dog first !!
A blonde was shopping at Target, and came across a shiny silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, “Why, that’s a thermos……it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold.”
“Wow,” said the Blonde, “that’s amazing……I’m going to buy it!” So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. “What’s that?” he asked.
“Why, that’s a thermos………. it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,” she replied.
Her boss inquired, “What do you have in it?”
The blonde replied, “Two popsicles and some coffee.”
A man was wandering around a carnival and he happened to see a fortuneteller’s tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.
“Ah…….” said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. “I see you are the father of two children.”
“That’s what you think,” said the man scornfully. “I’m the father of THREE children.”
The woman grinned and said, “That’s what YOU think!”
A man was observing a woman in the grocery store with a three-year-old girl in her basket.
As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her, “No.”
The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, “Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through — don’t be upset. It won’t be long now.”
Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy.
When told she couldn’t have any, she began to cry.
The mother said, “There, there, Monica, don’t cry — only two more aisles to go and then we’ll be checking out.”
When they got to the check-out stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there’d be no gum purchased.
The mother said serenely, “Monica, we’ll be through this check-out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap.”
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. “I couldn’t help noticing how patient you were with little Monica,” he said.
The mother replied, “I’m Monica — my little girl’s name is Tammy.”
Two men were sitting at the bar on the top floor of the Empire State Building.
One man says to the other, “You know, if you jump out the window here, the force of the wind will blow you back in through the window on the 90th floor.”
The other man says “Get outta here! You’re joking aren’t you?”
The first man says “No, here, I’ll prove it!” He stands on the window ledge, jumps out and comes back in through the 90th floor window.
The other man says, “That was just a one-off. Do it again!”
So the first man does it again and comes back through on the 90th floor. He runs back up and says “See, I’m telling the truth!”
The second man says, “Wow, I’m gonna do it too then.” He stands on the window ledge, jumps out and falls to his death.
The barman, who just caught the end of this says to the first man, “You know, Superman, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk!”
Three nurses arrive at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter asks the first why he should admit her. She replies that she has been an emergency room nurse and has saved thousands and thousands of lives.
“Okay,” he says, “Come on in!”
The second reports that he has been an ICU nurse and he, too, has saved thousands and thousands of lives. St. Peter lets him in, too.
St. Peter asks the third nurse the same question.
She replies that she has been a managed care nurse and has saved thousands and thousands of dollars for the insurance company.
St. Peter replies, “Okay, come on in, but you can only stay three days.”
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped, and every once in a while, a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”
“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.”
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back yard is right next to a golf-course.
A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought: why not make the best of it??
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say: ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes !’
“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way,what’s in the other bag?”
“Not everybody pays.”
A man and a woman were having drinks at a business conference when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said, “Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we’re so obsessed with getting laid?”
“That doesn’t prove anything,” the woman countered. “Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in it, and wiggle it around, then pull it out — which feels better: your ear or your finger??”
A cop was patrolling at night in a well known area for “parking.”
He saw a couple in a car, with the interior light on.
He got closer to the car and saw a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine and a young woman on the rear seat, knitting.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walked over to the car and knocked on the window.
“What are you doing?”
“Well, isn’t it obvious? I’m reading a magazine.”
Pointing to the young woman, the cop asked, “And her, what is she doing?”
The young man shrugged, “I believe she’s knitting a pullover.”
The cop was totally confused. A young couple alone in a car at night and nothing obscene is happening!
“How old are you, young man?”
“I’m 22, sir.”
“And her? How old is she ?”
The young man looks at his watch and said, “She’ll be 18 in 20 minutes.”
A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
‘Breast-fed,’ she replied.
‘Well, strip down to your waist,’ the doctor ordered.
He pinched, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed her chest for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, ‘No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk!’
‘I know,’ she said, ‘I’m his Grandma. But I’m glad I came!”
A man was walking down the street. All of a sudden he heard a loud voice say: “Stop! Stand Still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.” The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after a while he was crossing the road. Once again, the voice shouted: “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die.” The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
“Where are you?” the man asked. “Who are you?”
“I am your guardian angel,” a self-satisfied voice answered. “I guess you have some questions for me?”
“I sure do!” the man retorted. “Where the hell were you on my wedding day??!!”
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: “There’s no way I can be the father of this baby!! Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?”
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: “No, honey. Not this time!”
A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica .
They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, “You foreigners..! Come in. Come into my humble shop.” So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, “I ‘ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.”
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn’t need them, being the Sex Bomb that he already was.
The husband asked the man, “How could sandals make you a sex freak..?”
The Jamaican replied, “Just try dem on, Mon.”
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn’t seen before..!!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, pulled out his ‘you-know-what’ and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican’s thighs.
The Jamaican shopkeeper began screaming: ‘Wrong feet, honky mon !! You got dem on de wrong feet….!!”
Two black guys were walking along a road in Georgia when they were struck by a police car driven by a drunken cop. One guy was thrown through the windshield and his buddy was knocked down an embankment. The first guy was charged with breaking and entering, and the second — with leaving the scene of an accident. Go figure!
There once was a magic mirror, and if you told it a lie you would vanish into thin air. So A Brunette, a Redhead and a Blonde decided to try it out.
The Brunette goes up and says, ” I have the best looking eyes in the world”. And, POOF! She disappeared.
The Redhead went up and said, ” I have the best legs in the world” And, POOF. She too vanished.
Finally the Blonde went up and said, ” I think…….” And, POOF. She’s gone!
A married old man thought he would give his wife a birthday surprise by buying her a bra.
He entered a ladies shop, rather intimidated, but the salesgirls took charge to help him.
“What colour?” they asked. He settled for white.
“How much does it cost?” he asked.
“Expensive, but OK,” he thought.
All that remained was the size, but he hadn’t the faintest idea.
“Now sir, are they the size a pair of melons? Coconuts? Grape fruits? Oranges?”
“No,” he said, “nothing like that.”
“Come on, sir, think. There must be something your wife’s bust resembles.”
He thought long and hard and then looked up and said, “Have you ever seen a Spaniel’s ears?”
While in the check-out line, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
Why else would I be buying dog food, RIGHT???
So on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog. I was starting the Dog Food Diet again, and that I probably shouldn’t because I ended up in the hospital last time; but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive care, with tubes coming out of most of my orifices, and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and all you do is load your pockets with Dog Food Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.
The food is nutritionally complete so it works well, and I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her NO; I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle’s ass, and a car hit me.
Little Johnny came home from school to see the family’s pet rooster dead in the front yard.
Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.
When his Dad came home Johnny said, “Dad our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?”
His father, thinking quickly, said, “Son, that’s so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven.”
“Gee Dad that’s great,” said Little Johnny.
A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, “Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!”
“What do you mean?” said Dad.
“Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, ‘Jesus I’m coming, I’m coming’. If it hadn’t of been for Uncle George holding her down we’d have lost her for sure!”
A woman went to a lawyer to discuss divorcing her husband.
“Don’t you love him anymore?” asked the lawyer.
“Oh, I still love him,” the woman replied. “But all he ever wants is sex, I can’t take it.”
“Instead of divorcing him why don’t you try charging him every time he wants to make love?” the lawyer suggested.
The exhausted wife decided to give the plan a try.
As soon as she walked into the house that night her husband put the hard word on her.
“Not so fast,” she replied. “From now on it’ll be $10 in the kitchen, $20 in the living room and $50 in the bedroom.”
“Well, then,” he said. “Here’s $50.”
The wife began walking to the bedroom.
“Hold on,” he said, grabbing her hand. “That’ll be five times in the kitchen!”
A woman was in bed with her young lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
“Hurry, she said, stand in the corner.”
She rubbed baby oil all over him, and then totally dusted him all over with Talcum powder.
“Right, don’t move until I tell you,” she said. “Just pretend you’re a statue.”
“What’s this…..?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.
“Oh it’s a statue.” she replied. “The Smiths bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too.”
Nothing more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 a.m., the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
“Here,” he said to the statue, “have this. I stood like that for two frickin’ days at the Smiths, and nobody offered me a damned thing!”
He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again………
Back an forth…back and forth… in and out…in and out …
Her heart was pounding…her face was flushed …….
Then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted, “OK, OK!
I CAN’T park the frickin’ car! You do it, you SMUG bastard!”
A pastor went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the pastor to the health department.There he was told since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department. But the sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.
Now the pastor knew the mayor and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the pastor called him anyway.
The mayor did not disappoint him. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, “Why did you call me any way? Isn’t it your job to bury the dead?”
The pastor paused for a brief prayer, and asked the Lord to direct his response. Then, he replied “Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!”
A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. “I would like to buy this TV,” she told the salesman.
“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman: “I would like to buy this TV.”
“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.
“Darn, he recognized me,” she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman: “I would like to buy this TV.”
“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed “How do you know I’m a blonde ??”
“Because that’s a microwave,” he replied.
During a DUI crackdown, a police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood tavern.
Late in the evening, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into.
He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the blinkers on, then off, honked the horn, and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over, and carried out a breathalyzer test.
To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.”
“I don’t think so,” said the man. “Tonight, I’m the designated decoy.”
My wife rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items.
She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her.
“Excuse me,” she said, “I’m in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?”
The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled and said: “Not bad.”
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, “No, honey, don’t do it.”
The blonde replies, “Shut up! You’re next!”
The bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in comes four exuberant blondes.
They head up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, “51 days, 51 days, 51 days!”
Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows, “51 days, 51 days, 51 days!”
Two more blondes show up and soon their voices join in raising the roof, “51 days, 51 days, 51 days!”
Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts.
Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting, “51 days, 51 days, 51 days!”
The bartender can’t contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautiful child’s puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, “What’s all the chanting and celebration about?”
The blonde who brought in the picture pipes up, “Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. On the side of the box, it says ‘2 to 4 years’, but we put it together in just 51 days!”
Two good ole’ boys, Bubba and Junior, get promoted from Privates to Sergeants. Not long after, they’re out for a walk and Bubba says, “Hey, Junior – there’s the NCO Club. Let’s you and me stop in and have us a drank. ”
“But we’s privates,” protests Junior.
“NO, we’s sergeants now,” says Bubba, pulling him inside. “Now, Junior, I’m gonna sit down and have me a drink. ”
“But, we’s privates,” says Junior.
“You blind, boy! ” says Bubba, pointing at his stripes. “We’s Sergeants now!”
So they order their drinks, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba. “You’re cute,” she says, “and I’d like to take you someplace and make you feel good — but I’ve got a bad case of gonorrhea. ”
Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, “Junior, go look in the dictionary and see what that gonorrhea means. If it’s good, give me the okay sign.”
Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay sign. Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. “Junior,” he says, “What you give me the okay for?!”
“Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates.” Then he pointed to his stripes and says;”But it’s OK, ’cause we’s Sergeants now!”
A farmer decided one day that he wanted to breed his prize-winning hog. So, he put her in a cart and wheeled her to a farm five miles away, to breed with a high class pig. He paid $20 for the stud fee, and after they were done, brought his hog back to his farm.
The next day he went out to check and see if she was pregnant, but she was not. So, he put her back in the cart and wheeled her to a farm that was ten miles away, bred her with the pig there, who was said to be of higher class than the first, and paid his $50 stud fee. Then brought the hog back home.
But, when he checked the next day, she still was not pregnant! This time he wheeled her to a farm that was twenty miles away, and was the home of one of the best pigs in the county. He paid a $100 stud fee, and then wheeled his hog all the way back home and went to bed.
In the morning the farmer was just too exhausted to get out of bed and go see if his hog was finally pregnant, so he asked his wife to check for him. The wife came back and told her husband, “Well, she ain’t pregnant, but I found her in the cart and ready to go.”
A woman was in hospital.
“What seems to be the problem?” asked the Doctor.
“Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina.”
The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said: “Those aren’t postage stamps my dear; they’re banana stickers!”
A young woman was a ‘professional’ and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her Grandma.
One day, the police raided their ‘fun house’ and arrested a group of them, including the young girl.
They were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk.
Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma.
The young girl became frantic.
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, “What are you lining up for, dear?”
Not willing to let grandma in on her secret, the young girl said that some people were giving out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
“Mmmm, sounds lovely,” said Grandma, “I think I’ll have some myself.” And, of course, she made her way to the back of the line.
A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of them. When he got to Grandma at the end of the line, he was bewildered.
“But, you’re so old, how do you do it?”
Grandma replied, “Oh, it’s quite easy sonny. I just remove my dentures and suck ’em dry.”
After his first day working at a department store, the manager walks up to his new sales men and asked him how many sales he had his first day.
The young man proudly answered: “One”.
The manager replied :”Only one! Well how much was it for?”
The young man responded “$9562.00”.
Astonished, the manager demanded to know what he had sold.
“Well,” says the young fellow. “He was buying some fishing hooks, and I told him that he would probably need some stronger line to go with those hooks. He agreed; but before he left I suggested he bought a new rod to go with his new line and hooks.
And to my surprise he bought it as well. So I thought I would try to sell him a boat so that he could go out and catch some big fish. After deciding on the boat, he realized that his car wouldn’t be able to tow the boat; so I showed him the new truck we had and he bought that as well.
By the time he had walked out, his total was $9562”.
The manager said: “You are one hell of a salesman! A guy comes in to buy fishing hooks, and you sell him a fishing line, a rod, a new boat, and even a truck!”
“No” said the clerk. “He came in to buy tampons for his girlfriend; and I said to him: your weekend is pretty much screwed anyway, so you might as well go fishing!”
(These are from a book called “Disorder in the Courts”, and are things people actually said in american courts, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were taking place.)
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town, I’m going with male.
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law!
There’s a few guys who always get together on Fridays after work for a drink. One Friday, Jeff showed up late, sat down at the bar, and kicked back his entire first beer in one gulp. Then he turned to Bob and said, “Times are getting tough my friend. I mean, just today my wife told me that she’s going to cut me back to only two times a week! I can’t believe it.”
At which point Bob put his hand on Jeff’s shoulder and said reassuringly, “You think you’ve got it bad? She’s cut some guys out all together!.
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven: don’t step on the ducks!”
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!”
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. But one day, St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on — very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and slim.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”
The guy says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”
There was a farmer who had a horse for over 10 years. Since the farmer got the horse he had been trying to get the horse to laugh. He had no such luck.
He put up a sign that read: “$25,000 reward to anyone who can make my horse laugh.”
Crowds and crowds of people rushed in. Day after day, month after month, people came and went. No one could get the horse to laugh.
After a long time, the farmer had given up hope, when one day a young man strolled in casually and asked to have a shot. The farmer apathetically let him try.
The man walked up to the horse, whispered in the horses ear. The horse started cracking up, and laughing his ass off.
Shocked, the farmer rushed over and asked him what he had done. The young man simply asked for the reward and left.
Weeks had gone by and the horse was still laughing. In fact, the horse had not stopped laughing since that day, and the farmer was getting very irritated.
He offered another $25,000 reward to anyone who could get the horse to stop laughing. Again people showed up, but all to no avail.
And again, after the crowds had come and gone, the same young man strolled by and walked into the barn.
After about 10 seconds, the horse suddenly stopped laughing.
In amazement, the farmer gave him the reward, but begged the young man: “Sir, what did you do?? How did you get the horse to laugh, and then tp stop? Please tell me.”
The young man’s reply, “I got the horse to laugh by telling him that my ‘thingy’ was bigger than his.”
“And to make him stop laughing….??”
“I showed him.”
Tom, in deep thought, is very quiet.
Jerry asks, “What is wrong with you, Tom?”
“Please don’t ask.”
“I’m your best friend. You can talk to me.”
“My seven-year-old son made my secretary pregnant.”
“That’s not possible.”
“No, he did.”
“He punctured my condoms!”
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.
When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says “How bad is it doc? I’m going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way.”
The doc said, “I’ll have to put your p*nis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.”
So the doc takes four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, gets married, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous chest.
This was the first time he saw them.
She says, “You’ll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts.”
He whips down his pants and says, “Look at this, it’s still in the CRATE!”
One Sunday, a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate.
He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering.
He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand.
The pastor asked her to come to the front.
Slowly she made her way to the pastor.
He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said: “I’ll take him, and him, and him.”
A boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted by a child whispering “Hello?”
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to the youngster, the boss asked, “Is your Daddy home?”
“Yes,” whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with him?” the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.”
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”
“Yes,” came the answer.
“May I speak with her?”
Again the small voice whispered, “No.”
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. “Is there anyone there besides you?” the boss asked the child.
“Yes,” whispered the child. “A policeman.”
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked: “May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, he’s busy,” whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?”, asked the boss.
“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,” came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned, and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
“A hello-copper,” answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?” asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice, the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper.”
Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, “What are they searching for?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:”Me.”
Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful Queen with large ta-tas.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King’s chief doctor.
Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen’s bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.
Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen’s giant knockers. The Queen’s itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. However, with his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn’t have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, he laughed and told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King’s underwear.
The King immediately summoned Nick……………
Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress.
He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible.
Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he’s finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.
“Name’s Enoch… Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge… Having a party Saturday… Thought you’d like to come.”
“Great,” says Sam, “after six months of this I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.”
As Enoch is leaving he stops, “Gotta warn you there’s gonna be some drinkin’.”
“Not a problem. After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of ’em.”
Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. “More ‘n’ likely gonna be some fightin’ too.”
“Damn”, Sam thinks. “Tough crowd.” Aloud, he says: “Well, I get along with people. I’ll be there. Thanks again.”
Once again Enoch turns from the door. “I’ve seen some wild sex at these parties, too.”
“Now that’s not a problem” says Sam, “Remember I’ve been alone for six months!
I’ll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?”
Enoch stops in the door again and says, “Whatever you want. ‘Just gonna be the two of us.”
Little Johnny had been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked: “Grandma, what’s that called when two people sleep in the same room, and one is on top of the other?”
She was a little taken aback but she decided to tell him the truth. “It’s called sexual intercourse darling.”
Little Johnny said, “Oh, OK”, and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily: “Grandma, it isn’t called sexual intercourse. It’s called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy’s mum wants to talk to you!!”
A woman is shopping in the local supermarket.
She selects some milk, some eggs, a carton of juice, and a package of bacon.
As she unloads her items at the cash register to pay, a drunk standing behind her in line watches her place the four items on the belt and states with assurance, “You must be single.”
The woman looks at the four items on the belt, and seeing nothing unusual about her selection says, “That’s right. I am. How on earth did you know?”
He shrugs and replies, “Because you’re ugly.”
Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success.
Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.
They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.
Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, “Okay, let’s get out and get him.”
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, “The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do !?”
The guy in the front says, “Well, I’m going to start nibbling grass, but you’d better brace yourself…………”
A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, “Robert doesn’t appreciate what I do for him.”
“Now, now,” her mother comforted, “I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding.”
“No, mother,” the young woman laments. “I bought a frozen turkey loaf and he yelled at me about the price.”
“Well, that is being miserly,” the mother agreed, “Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars.”
“No, mother it wasn’t the price of the turkey roll, it was the airplane ticket.”
“Airplane ticket…??? What did you need an airplane ticket for?”
“Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the back and it said: ‘Prepare from a frozen state,’………..so I flew to Alaska.”
Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge.
The judge said, “You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and pursued them to give up drugs forever. I’ll see you back in court Monday.”
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, “How did you do over the weekend?”
“Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.”
“17 people? That’s wonderful. What did you tell them?”
“I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: ‘O’ and ‘o’, and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs; and this (the small circle)is your brain after drugs.”
“That’s admirable,” said the judge. He turns to the second guy and asks: “And you, how did you do?”
“Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.”
“156 people! That’s amazing! How did you manage to do that ?!”
“Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them: ‘This is your a**hole before prison, and this………..”
A man and his wife had gotten into the habit of referring to making love as “doing the laundry” so their kid’s wouldn’t know what was up.
One day the man came home from work and said to his wife, “Honey, let’s do some laundry.”
“Not now,” she said, “I’ve had a hard day and I just wanna watch a little T.V.”
“OK,” he says, “I’m gonna go take a nap.”
Time passed and the missus decided that a little whoopee might be just the thing, so she joined her hubby in the bedroom.
“I’ve changed my mind, let’s do some laundry ” she said.
“Sorry,” said the husband, “but I just had a small load, so I did it by hand.”
When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor, so I took the entrance exam to go to medical school.
One of the questions asked to rearrange the letters ‘PNEIS’ into the name of an important human body part, which is most useful when erect.
Those who answered “SPINE” are doctors today. The rest of us are posting jokes likes these on social media!!!!
A turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding a perfect turkey. His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone.
After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together. “Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!”
“How did it taste?” inquired his friends.
“I don’t know” said the farmer. “I could never catch the darn thing!”
A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners.
At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.
Therefore, he took out a card and wrote “Revelation 3:20” on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message: “Genesis 3:10”
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins: “Behold, I stand at the door and knock.”
Genesis 3:10 reads, “I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked.”
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, “I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.”
The driver says, “Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.”
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.”
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, “Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once ??”
The wife smiles demurely and says, “You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.”
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, “Darn it, woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut ??”
The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.”
The driver says, “Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.”
The wife says, “Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.”
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, “WHY DON’T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP ??!”
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, “Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am?”
“Only when he’s been drinking, officer.”